Stop the keyboards. (Printing presses are so last century.)

Within the past 24 hours, we have learned the root cause of the Baltimore Thug Pollution, unrelated to serial criminal Fred Gray.

Grab a mirror, pull up a chair.

Nicky (Don’t Call Me Whitey) Kristof, New York Times essayist who hates being white so much he vowed to marry a non-white woman and did, has uncovered the true cause.

It has eluded the Baltimore police, the screwball mayor who should be impeached for sanctioning the destruction, and the worthless youthful thugs who burned their diapers, pulled on long pants, and answered the call to riot as swiftly as if it were an inoculation against employment.

If Mr. Kristof could find Bruce Jenner’s therapist or surgeon, he would have himself transformed into a non-white who changes colors as the three stories at the top of this page do. He regards his whiteness as a social embarrassment. (You don’t want to know the regalia he drapes over himself on Halloween.)

Now the cause.

You, baby, and me.

We did it to the glassy-eyed punks who are fault-free, according to the freshly enshrined Kristof Law.

You have to be a hardline, drug-popping, yoga-loving leftie who beats himself every night with plastic chains to swallow the raving nonsense Mr. Kristof assigns for blame.

“We focus television cameras on the drama of a burning CVS store but ignore the systemic catastrophe of broken schools, joblessness, fatherless kids, heroin, oppressive policing – and, maybe the worst kind of poverty of all, hopelessness.”

I was sweating baby NRA bullets for a moment. Time to exhale. I feared Mr. Kristof was going to say the illiterate punks were responsible for their own actions. Thankfully, responsibility is not a left-wing value.

At 25 years old, Mr. Gray’s tall crime log showed more than 20 arrests. Anybody can have a string of hard luck.

Reviewing Mr. Kristof’s excusable excuses:

• “Broken schools” – If the illiterate revolutionaries don’t attend classes, how is that the schools’ fault?
• “Joblessness” – In most cases, one must seek work, not hope it hits him in the schnozzola. Few employers make house calls, hoping to entice richly perfumed punks to join their companies.
• “Fatherless kids” – Bingo.  Ninety-nine percent of the cause. Ninety-nine is about the proportion of rioting kids who grew up in half-homes. Naturally, Mr. Kristof disagrees.
• “Heroin” – A peripheral distraction, not remotely a cause.
• “Oppressive policing” – Ain’t Mr. Kristof a riot?

Leftists are most efficient at thinking up colorful excuses and shoveling blame onto others.

Mr. Kristof goes on to whimper about darned wealthy white people oppressing darned unlucky non-whites, though he is not sure how.

His conclusion, a stitch, sounds as if it could double as the denouement on Letterman’s final-ever night on May 20:

“The real crisis isn’t one night of young men in the street rioting. It’s something perhaps even more inexcusable – our own complacency at the systematic long-term denial of equal opportunity to people based on their skin and zip code.”

So sayeth Whitey.