A young lady called me to see if I would meet with her and her fiancé because they are fighting more than they normal. She worries they may be making a mistake.
When they first met, they fell in love. She is very outgoing, loves being in the company of others, the center of attention. Her family is priority No. 1, activities involving others No. 2, and work No. 3.
Her soon-to-be husband has his work as No. 1, individual activities No. 2, and No. 3 is his family. He does not like to be the center of attention, preferring the sidelines.
For his work he will be the center of attention if his job calls for it.
Sexually they started compatibly. After six dates, she had sex with her boyfriend. They continued to have sex frequently. After three months, his sex drive diminished from daily to once every three days.
This change bothered her. The only way she knows she is loved is the sex, especially the cuddling afterwards. While having sex every three days, he shows his love is by buying expensive gifts for her.
She likes the gifts but prefers the sex. He does not understand why she thinks he does not love her as much as he did when they were having sex every day.
They are having trouble communicating. We all speak in a mixture of two ways, literal and by inference. An example of literal: “No food or drink in the store.” Inference. “Thank you for leaving your food and drink outside.”
They were having trouble because he speaks out literally and he takes information in by inference. She also speaks out literally and takes in by inference. A communication problem.
How We Learn
We are taught to communicate by our primary caretaker, usually our mothers. We take information opposite of the way we speak out. This was the main cause of their problem, aside from their opposite behaviors, which can also cause issues.
The very qualities that attracted them were causing problems.
For example: “I really respect him. He works such long hours but he makes lots of money.” Later it becomes: “I am fed up that he is always working. When he comes home he is too tired.”
See what is happening? What was admired now is a problem. In this world, opposites attract, an immutable law of nature.
To get back on track requires that they both understand how to communicate and to ask for an explanation if they do not understand what their partner is saying. They need to understand what motivates each one and try to support the other in his/her career and at home.
I offered them a book called “Relationship Strategies,” by John Kappas, Ph.D, explaining in detail the behaviors both were demonstrating and how they were going to clash as well as how to avoid common mistakes in a blooming relationship.
After a few sessions – and having read the book – they had a clearer understanding of themselves.
Arguing stopped. Caring, concern and love improved to create a much better relationship.
Do not hesitate to contact me by telephone, 310.204.3321, or by email at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net. See my website at www.hypnotherapy4you.net
