Dateline Boston — A few days ago I took my two-year-old charge, Theo, to a gym class. A gym class for two- year-olds, you ask? Yes. Don’t you know they need to work on their grip strength, forward rolls, swinging, balancing, and colors?
The “gym” was a room that had primary colored mats, slides, a ball pit, and clips that hung from the ceiling so that various apparatuses could be hung when needed. The rug was blue with a huge red circle in the middle. It was visually overstimulating, and that was even before the moms, nannies, and toddlers filled the room. There had to be at least 15 children, each with a caregiver; 30 people, with two instructors. There appeared to be one lead teacher and one assistant.
Theo was a little nervous because he usually attended the class with his mom, not me, and it was a different day than usual, so he didn’t know any of the kids. He wanted me to hold him, and I was happy to.
The lead, I’ll call her Spunky, looked to be in her mid 20s, very fit, long brown ponytail. She must have downed at least two Red Bulls before beginning her spiel. She was very enthusiastic, bordering on manic. Her voice was slightly raspy—not because it was that way naturally, but because she spent all day shouting out how excited she was to be there and help all the children become fit little toddlers!
Energetic Ponytail and Ponytail Owner
Her ponytail swung from side to side as she made an exaggerated happy face and asked us all to come to “THE BIG RED CIRCLE!” There was no room left by the time my clinging boy and I made it over, so we squeezed in next to Spunky. That was a mistake. I nearly got hit several times as she swung her arms in and out as far as they could go, clapping with gusto. We sang a pumped up version of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” that played from the speakers all over the room. We stomped, we clapped, we twisted our bodies from side to side…we were really working out! The rest of the circle time was a blur. At the end, we all got up to make a train and went around the circle before we were dismissed for free play. Theo and I were clinging to each other at this point.
He and I sat on the floor for 15 minutes as the other children jumped on the mini trampoline, climbed up ladders, and ran around. A balance beam was brought out and clipped to the ceiling so the kids could practice balancing. It wasn’t a regular balance beam, however. It hung, suspended off the floor about a foot, and swayed as the teacher and caregiver guided the child across. More than one child cried and looked terrified. We did not partake. I don’t think we signed up for mini Fear Factor.
We learned that the SKILL for the day was the forward roll. Spunky showed us how to grip our child, tuck his or her head down, and flip him or her over to do a forward roll (back in my day it was called a somersault). The volunteer child rolled perfectly while his mother grinned anxiously through gritted teeth. We all breathed a sigh of relief when he was back on the mat. No one else practiced a forward roll with their child. Hula hoops were brought out so our children could work on their GRIPS, COLORS, and JUMPING THROUGH. Theo worked on his grip. He held the hula hoop for 5 minutes as we sat on the floor.
In another corner of the room, there was a high bar set up. I saw a child hanging on it, practicing falling on the mat. He was laughing with his mom, having a great time. A few minutes later I saw Spunky go over and hold a child who was hanging from the bar. She tilted her up…and OVER. Yay! The poor girl was petrified, and cried hysterically. So did the next kid. Theo and I made our way over to a few balls and put them in a container. We tried to be as low key as we could, and we had lots of fun.
Fun in the Pit?
Eventually we made it over to the ball pit, which looked interesting. The kids climbed a small set of stairs and then jumped into a pit of tennis ball-sized plastic balls. It was great! Theo jumped in a few times, and then another boy joined us. His mom started quizzing him on his colors. “What color is this ball?” “Yellow!” “NO, this is BLUE!” “What color is this?” If there is one thing that I can’t stand, it’s an adult quizzing a child. I led Theo to the slide that had carpet squares on it. He climbed up the slide and ran down it at least five times. One thing about this gym; it had some cool equipment.
Suddenly, Spunky went over to the red circle and announced that it was SEPARATION TIME. She brought out several bins of toys and encouraged the caregivers to stand on the other side of the gate while the children played without them. This was supposed to get the children used to being without Mommy. It was so artificial. Nearly all of the caregivers were huddled together in the lobby, watching their children, who were mostly okay. When a child started crying and wandered over to the gate, the caregiver was allowed to come back. There were three of us who broke the rule and stayed with the children. Once Theo knew I wasn’t going to walk away, he wandered to the toys by himself and played happily.
Then it was time to go back to the red circle for the GOODBYE SONG. The mom sitting next to me knew all the words and sang along to the frenetic beat. I felt like I was at Disneyland. I wished I were at Disneyland. Theo and I stumbled out of the class, pumped our hands with hand sanitizer, and strolled home slowly, stopping to listen to the birds and look at the flowers. If I ever go to that gym class again, I’ll be sure to get plenty of sleep the night before.
Ms. Vaillancourt may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
