Dateline Jerusalem — There is something to be said about short engagements, especially when they become long marriages. In the religious Jewish community in Israel, as well as in certain communities in the U.S., dating is not like that in the rest of society. Men and women are separated, not only in prayer, but in schools, and activities as well. Therefore, couples either meet because a friend has a sibling or relative who they think would be a good match, or couples go to a shadchan, a matchmaker.
The shadchanim (plural for shadchan) today are not like that in the movie "Fiddler On The Roof" where young girls are set up with men older than their fathers. Here the young people, and older people, too, are given a few choices. Go out on dates to restaurants or hotel lobbies, only a public place, where they sit and talk for hours on end getting to know each other. There is no touching, no handholding, no physical contact. If they like the person, they go out again. If there is no connection, the shadchan looks for someone else. If a match is made, the shadchan is paid a fee or given a donation. It is said that if a person makes three or more successful matches, they have a place in Heaven.
A Fortunate Fortnight
The daughter of a friend of mine got engaged this week. She knew the boy only for two weeks, but they had seven dates! In those seven dates, the couple learned just about everything there is to know about each other and their family history. The parents do further investigations by checking with friends of friends of friends, with the rabbis, with teachers. By the time there is an engagement, the families are usually as confident with the match as the prospective bride and groom are with each other. Actually seven dates is considered a long courtship. In some communities there is an engagement after three dates.
It might seem that using a matchmaker is old fashioned, out of another century, out of this world. Believe it or not, these marriages last. There is rarely divorce. Not because divorce is forbidden. On the contrary, a get (Jewish divorce) is definitely allowed, but because in the few dates prior to engagement, the couple is really getting to know one another. There is no premarital sex, no touching whatsoever, not even a simple kiss to cloud their minds. They don't go to movies or events, but instead talk and talk and talk. Generation after generation follows this type of courtship. It has been proved to be a successful means of finding a spouse.
Getting to Know You
In Israel, many synagogues have a committee for a shidduch, marriage match. It is very important to the community. The young men and women do not rebel against this way of meeting their prospective spouses. They actually look forward to it. They believe that the people who set them up on these dates know them, their families, their likes and dislikes, what they are looking for in a mate. Therefore, it is sort of an initial screening process.
Considering the divorce rate for the rest of society is at least 50 percent nowadays, with pre-marital sex at over 90 percent, it makes one wonder if going back in time to this simple way of courtship might be a viable solution to achieving happy and successful marriages.
L'hitraot. Shachar
Shachar is the Hebrew name of a California-based attorney and former Los Angeles County Sheriff’s deputy who moved to Israel last year.