No, it is not fun being a bachelor again, not after 12 years of slogging through the wilds of divorcehood.
You see, I am supposed to have memorized my circuitous instructions for maintaining our home in roughly its present condition until Diane returns from an international visit with her family, including granddaughter No. 1.
Honoring Culver City
Until this weekend, when my orders were dictated but not written down, I had no idea my wife was into symbolism. To my surprise and for two weeks, to my horror I discovered she is collecting one potted plant for every man, woman and child in Culver City.
All 40,000 of them, of course, require watering, the plants not the people.
We have lived in this house for more than five years. I have no idea where the plants came from or when they sneakily moved in.
Our Own Jungle
With apologies to the Saez brothers down the street, we have our own version of The Jungle, even if we do not engage in commerce although I could be persuaded to sell them off, quietly, quickly and cheaply, before Diane gets back.
I was shocked when Diane and led me on a renewed introductory tour of our home. Who are all of these people?
If you had asked me last Thursday, I would have said we are empty-nesterers.
How Did Everybody Get in?
As this fortnight of bachelorhood quietly begins to unravel, and I am sure it will, it appears that we belong to a veritable crowd of living organisms who occupy Noonan Manor.
I did not think we had any less room than five years ago.
Plants, like children, demand constant attention.
If Diane had limited her green purchases to one for each child instead of one for each resident of Culver City, keeping them alive during her absence would have been formidable, but would have left me with enough energy to fall asleep.
Hand Me a Calendar
Should Tuesdays and Thursdays be Shutdown Days for the next fortnight?
That way, I would be assured of a sufficient store of energy for the main plant watering push that is strung across the weekend for the health of persons over the age of 30?
You and I may drink our beverages from the same cup every day.
But not our plants.
One Floor at a Time
Perhaps it would be different if our home were not on three levels. It would be tolerable if only each floor required a separate spray-fangled container.
But certain plants, defying correct pronunciation by more than one person, call for a range of treatments. They vary from Spray them whenever you are in the room to Check regularly to keep the base (did she say base?) moist.
Which Day Did You Say?
Some are watered on Mondays. Some on Wednesdays. Some daily.
Others may be sprayed on any day of the weekend that the independent plant owner chooses as long as there is a Democrat, or is it a Republican? in the White House?.
