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For Two Offices, You Need Only One Qualification

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Single Qualification

Only a black woman or man — probably a woman since females have been the designated gender since 1970 — need file.

In the past, there has been muffled talk in certain parts of America about the “Jewish seat” on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Decades earlier, there was side-of-the-mouth chatter about an “Irish seat” or an “Italian seat.”

Given the overwhelming number of Latinos living in California, Hispanic advocates are speaking out with increasingly fearless fervor and boldness about reserving certain elected chairs for landsmen.

Why not?

Anyone Playing Defense?

There are many more of them than there are of us.

Who’s going to stop them? A Finnish brigade?

Last Thursday’s injudicious lead headline in the Los Angeles Sentinel read:

“The Fight for Black Power.”

Either, you assume, the editor of the Sentinel overdrank by a gallon before approving the pages or he has a sense of humor that should be quickly copied, bottled and marketed.

‘We Are Victims’?

Smells like victim talk to me.

The inappropriate headline is framed by large photos of two ladies who seem to possess an uncanny amount of electoral luck.

One is of a woman who runs for office more frequently than I bathe.

The other is of a woman who would have voted for George Washington if suffrage had been the law of the land.

Naming Names

If you need further clues, try these:

On the right, the Assemblywoman Laura (Don’t Call Me Greedy, I’m a Growing Girl So I Am Hungry) Richardson. She is a sort of feminized Richard Alarcon.

In the last six months, Ms. Richardson has held or competed for three electoral offices.

On the left, the County Supervisor Yvonne (Am I 90 or 100 Years Old?) Brathwaite Burke.

Historic Figure

Some of my more astute friends believe that Ms. Burke has occupied her present space throughout much of Western history. In the last century, someone decided to organize the County Board of Supervisors so she could have company if she ever came to.

Yussuf J. Simmonds wrote both stories coming out of the banner headline — about Ms. Burke’s pending retirement, which some of us have been awaiting since the 1970s, and about Ms. Richardson’s relentless pursuit of the death-vacated Millender McDonald seat.

You know the point of both pieces — we are black and we deserve to retain these seats.

What of Fairness?

This is a defendable position, but is it fair?

“Fair,” of course, is as distant from city politics as moderation is from the radical left-wing posse chasing President Bush.

Why should it be assumed the next officeholder must, absolutely, positively, be black?

The Burke story mentions as possible successors Los Angeles City Councilmembers Herb Wesson, Bernard Parks, Jan Perry and Janice (Do You Suppose They Know What Color I Am?) Hahn, state Sen. Mark Ridley-Thomas and Congresswoman Maxine (I Am Only 39 Miles of Bad Road) Waters.

Hahn-y, You Can be Included

The white Ms. Hahn’s presence can be explained by the fact that since her brother left the Mayor’s chair, she has curled herself into an embarrassing toady position.

“Submissive” falls a mile short.

There is a not-nice-name for a lady who caters to every special interest group in and out of her district with at least one living or dead voter.

We shall discuss the field another time.

Who Is Embarrassed?

Back to Assemblywoman Laura (I Guess Maybe I Am Greedy) Richardson’s unseemly candidacy.

Has she no shame? Six months ago today she was elected to the Assembly.

May we call her the Burger King or the Jack-in-the-Box or the McDonald’s candidate for the way she is making hamburger of her career?

She has bounced from the Long Beach City Council to the state Assembly in Sacramento, and, if the June 26 special election goes her way, to Congress. I am dizzy if she isn’t.

This Is an Invitation?

The chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus — Does anyone out there in Newspaperland detect any irony in this? — supposedly delivered a biting message the other day to the black kingmakers in Southern California?

“We need you all to send us another bad sister.”

Listen up, Murgatroyd.

If you returned to school for two or three hours, you, too, could string together equally dazzling locution.

Before you go home tonight, check out the rumor she was Patrick Henry’s speechwriter.

An Invitation

If our kingmaking friends truly want to make a cultural difference, they should come to Culver City.

Eleven months before Election Day for three open seats on the City Council, you will be able to fit all of the black contenders from this city on my bicycle, and still have room left for Diane and me.

That is not posturing. That is embarrassing.