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A Liberal Tale With a Terrific Kick at the End

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If you are religious, the sheer impulse of this golden moment would have held one of your feet in each hand and lifted you straight up, vertically, so close you almost could believe you were touching the sky.

The moment was spiritually still, eerie, throbbing with magical reverence.

Those for Whom Sun Never Shines

The dazzling arrangement of the heavenly bodies promised another pristine day in paradise — as long as you are not of a politically liberal persuasion.

Historically grim, both by law and by lockstep temperament, liberals, as you may know, served as the inspiration for the most famous compendium of fairy tales in the English language.

Why, Doc, Baby, Am I Depressed?

Because of the state of healthcare insurance, No Child Left Behind, religion, legal immigrants, school vouchers, poverty somewhere/anywhere in the world, sex, the liberal monopoly of the electronic and print media, an ailing anonymous child in Thailand, the gradual diminution of an insect native to Antarctica over the last 100 years, a sneezing woman in South Africa, a too-long traffic light in Mobile, too many rich people in Charlotte, a disproportionate number of wealthy white men in Tampa, a disproportionate gap between the SAT scores of white and non-white students with long last names in Mesquite, TX, a disproportionate gap between unmarried white women in their 20s and unmarried non-white men in their 30s, which is widely believed to have been caused by global warming, the typical liberal is angry.

Surrounded daily by upbeat, sunnily smiling conservatives, most liberals find the world a disgusting place to live.

The Crowd Opens Wide, Swallows It All

The foregoing is not from a remote radical’s diary. This is liberal orthodoxy. As long as a single unhappy person exists on earth, all liberals whom I know are committed to righting that wrong.

As the controlling force in media, liberals tell you this each morning when you pick up your favorite newspaper or when you tune in to your favorite radio station, television channel or website.

They Started Right, Then Stumbled

The origins of liberal theology were beautiful.

Identify the serious problems of life, then pragmatically attack and resolve them.

The trouble started when ambitious, under-employed liberals began canvassing the whole earth in quest of sexy, attention-seizing problems they could solve.

A Triple Triumph

Liberal problem-searchers were handed a 3-pronged mandate:

The problem needed to be sufficiently massive so that its mere scope would impress ordinary persons.

It needed to be vague enough to intrigue and to tickle the imagination, to sound (almost) authentic to an abstract mind.

And, perhaps most importantly, it needed to be impersonal because, as all housekeepers know, liberals do not own mirrors. Personal introspection is discouraged.

Now, Dear Reader, You Know

This is how global warming, Hurricane Katrina, global poverty, simultaneous hatred/envy of the wealthy, Hurricane Katrina again, denigration of white men and universal healthcare came into our daily lives. Liberals are the hammer. You and I are the nails. In their media, we get pounded with these subjects every day.

Another liberal oldie but goodie is, Please don’t try to foist your beliefs on me (because that is what I am trying to do to you). Even though left-wingers dominate nearly all departments of American life, they never fail to cast themselves as the underdogs, heroically fighting life-threatening battles to save the unsavable planet.

Unintentionally, liberals have overplayed their hands so grossly in each case that the mere mention sends up a titter, tending to amuse the muse in sensible people.

The Dawn of a New Age?

Several nights ago, unexpectedly, I had a splendid experience, meeting up with a cluster of MoveOn.org anti-war protestors who were conducting a genuine peace vigil in front of The Culver Hotel.

Sincere, articulate, dedicated, they were intellectually honest from all appearances. I look forward to getting better acquainted with them at the next protest, if not sooner.