[img]958|left|Alex Campbell||no_popup[/img]Dateline Boston — I’m on the Amtrak train again. I helped some people at the train station in NYC. An older couple from India was asking a woman where the line was for the train to Boston. She wasn’t sure. Behind me, I heard her say, “Let’s ask this girl.” Ooh, I still look like a girl!
I told them that at Penn Station, you never knew what escalator you’d have to go down until the second they announced the train, and they wouldn’t announce the train until it was in the station, usually five minutes after it was supposed to depart. I pointed out the west side of the terminal (marked “W”) and the east side of the terminal (marked “E”), and the corresponding numbers. I explained that we all had to be ready because when the gate was announced, we and about five hundred other passengers would make a mad dash to the escalator, where we would have to line up, single file, and not get stampeded to death in the process. The woman who referred to me as a girl said, “Yeah, it’s always been like that. It’s ridiculous.” How she knew it always had been like that but didn’t know how to explain it to the couple, was beyond me.
May I Have Your Attention?
After a couple minutes, I noticed people gathering at one of the escalator gates. I told my new friends to wait a minute, then walked over. I heard a ticket agent say, “Train to Boston!” I waved my hand furiously so that my group would see me. They quickly came over, and at that moment the gate was announced. We made it down the escalator safely.
On the train, I parked myself in a seat close to the café car because I knew I’d be hungry for lunch. As soon as I could, I got a cheeseburger and a bag of Doritos. Normally I’ll get ranch- flavored Doritos, but all they had was the original nacho cheese. I was reminded of a riddle many kids have told me: “What do you call cheese that’s not yours?” “NA-CHO cheese!” I already had a bottle of fresh apple cider I had gotten at the farmers market that morning, so I didn’t need a drink.
I sat down to eat the monstrosity that is an Amtrak cheeseburger. It looks as if they’ve increased the size of them. It was melted to within an inch of its life, so much so that it stuck to the napkin I had put it on. Did I eat it anyway? Darned right I did, and it was…okay, not as good as some Amtrak burgers I’ve had. I think I prefer the ones from the early 2000s. I ate the Doritos. I thought about using them as flares in case we ran out of power; they were that brightly colored. Gross. I ate them anyway. I washed down my food with the fresh apple cider from the farmers market. That cancelled out any unhealthiness I may have had from the meal.
Easy Listening
A few stops into my ride, a young woman and her boyfriend sat behind me. The woman, who sounded more like a teenager, actually, began talking non-stop. I didn’t really pay attention until they started talking about Christmas.
YW: My parents got me this Christmas present they thought I was going to love, but I hate it.
BF: What was it?
YW: An antique Gucci bag.
BF: Why did they think you would like it?
YW: Because it’s a collector’s item. My mom said I could sell it, but I haven’t gotten around to it.
They talked about other presents they’d gotten in the past and their reactions to them. Then…
BF: You have to act appreciative.
YW: Yeah, you have to, if you want to keep getting presents!
I listened more and found out that the young woman was not a teenager at all; in fact, she was in graduate school! I wanted to write a letter directly to Santa Claus, telling him to SKIP the house of the spoiled and ungrateful graduate student who sat behind me on the Amtrak train. When I threw away trash from my lunch, I got a look at YW. She was gorgeous. She had flaming red hair, not unlike the shade of the nacho cheese Doritos I had just polished off. It was long and layered. She looked like a flaming red goddess. What a shame to put those good looks to someone so snotty. Her attitude made her less beautiful in my eyes. If I were her mother and were told her she didn’t like the Gucci bag I had gotten her, I would have taken it back and handed her a paper sack to put her stuff in.
I put my ear buds in my ears and listened to my iPod, to drown out the sound of the princess and her pea-brained boyfriend. I’m happy to report that the rest of the ride was uneventful.
Lessons learned from this trip: Be kind to your fellow passengers, it’s okay to eat crap every once in awhile, and do not look a gift horse in the mouth. It might bite.
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
