When California’s oldest Bald Retread is elected governor in 49 days, it will only be fair — fairness being a perfumed pillar of principle for Democrats — that Bald serve for 3½ days each week and that the girl assassins from the Los Angeles Titanic, Smarmy Seema and Maeve the Mocker, split the remaining 3½.
During the 20 minutes that sleepy-eyed, nearly comatose Bald has been campaigning, he has committed more missteps than a blue-collar drunk at one of those mid-brow alehouses on South Sepulveda Boulevard. Bald is running the most bizzare anti-election campaign this side of the Smiling Dwarf in Iran.
Why does he always shlep a pillow?
He hardly campaigns. He has nothing to say, just re-stoking old times (if the Titanic will forgive the coincidental use of their maiden name). Turning up his hearing aid, Bald brags to confidantes that “if you don’t promise anything, you can’t be accused of breaking any pledges.”
No eagle-eared reporter has caught him making even a foppish promise.
But when his GOP opponent began running too far ahead, the boys on the left turned the whorehouses in the state upside down. Out fell the oiliest, most disreputable union bosses of the generation, and, presto, Bald’s non-campaign finally left the ground.
As of two weeks ago, labor unions had blown a sweaty $14 million on anti-Meg Whitman videos and ads that consistently portrayed her as a greedy pig. I am puzzled. And she is sooooooo rich, each ad emphasized. Do Democrats take a pledge of green-eyed jealousy toward all who are more successful than they? Is this why the wannabe girls at the Titanic can drool whenever writing about the Republicans running for statewide office?
Look for the union thugs’ “Whitman Is Pinocchio” video.
Bald gives a new, meaning to the Labor Day Telethon mantra, “Jerry’s Kids.” Only in this case, Bald’s bald-faced enablers suffer from mental muscular dystrophy.
Since the only newspaper with clout in Los Angeles is an unadulterated adulterer for leftist causes, there is no danger of even fluffy criticism of the Bald Retread leaking through their journalistic pavement.
No Limit on Losing for Retreads?
Isn’t there a law against formerly frugal, formerly rumored-gay former seminarians running for meaningful office in this state? Isn’t there a maximum number of elections a decent person can lose?
You won’t read this in the Titanic.
To Smarmy Seema and Maeve the Mocker, who hope their catty broken-glass hostility toward the Republican candidates for the U.S. Senate and for governor will heighten their journalistic profiles, Bald is the ideal candidate, though they are stumped to tell you why.
Like two manly girl-bullies prowling a schoolyard, the charge for Smarmy Seema and Maeve the Mocker has been to shield Bald from all charges, no matter how valid, and to consistently label his accusers liars. Downtown at the Titanic, the newsroom word is the girls are undefeated, carrying out their virgin missions heroically.
Both girls have told friends this is the coolest assignment they have ever drawn because the Bald Retread, warming up for his swiftly approaching dotage, seldom campaigns more than one or two days a month. His campaign speeches rarely vary.
The only ground rule is to stand back because he smells as if he has been gargling something painkilling since last week.
And it says here, he will win by a mile, so thoroughly has the character of his opponent been assassinated.
