Do you expect someone to say “thank you” each time you do something for them?
Do you not expect people to say “thank you,” but wish that they would say it?
Do you not care whether people say “thank you” each time you do something for them?
Have you ever made the following “deal” with someone? Let’s agree not to say “thank you” each time we do something for one another.
Do you expect, wish, or not even care, that someone will say more than just “thank you” when you do something for him or her?
Here’s one scenario:
You get up early and put away the pile of your clothes that was draped over that chair in your bedroom, and that is always an “eyesore” to your wife (or husband). Your wife comes in and sees the “empty chair.” She turns to you and says, “________________________________.”
a. Hmmmm.
b. Thanks.
c. Thank you, honey.
d. It’s about time.
e. When you put your clothes away, it made me very happy.
f. I really appreciate that you did that.
g. I love you.
h. (no words) just a big hug [that is language, too]
Instead of adding another 20 items to the above list of “appreciation phrases,” I’ll stop here and ask you to think about those words your wife (or husband) could say that would make you happy. Words that might even motivate you to continue to put away your clothes.
Everyone is different. So what happens when one partner is a “thank you” creature, and the other is a no-need-to-thank-you creature? What about a “Hugging” creature and a no-need-to-hug creature? You get the idea.
“Let them work it out,” you say. “That’s life,” you say.
But what happens when you love your partner, and he/she does not respond with your desired appreciation-phrase? Does your love supersede, overcome, or fill-in-the-space left by the appreciation void?
Learning how to communicate effectively is probably the most important relationship tool we can learn.
Tips That Can Be Valuable
Here are some phrases you might use, based on Marshall Rosenberg’s principles of Nonviolent Communication (state a non-judgmental observation, a feeling and a need that was fulfilled or unfulfilled).
When I come in and see this empty chair, I feel really glad and relieved, because it's so important to me to have a clean and peaceful bedroom.
When you put away your clothes, I felt grateful because I got the sense that you really cared about my concern.
When I come home to a clean house, I feel relaxed because it meets my needs for order and support.
Reversing Roles
On the flip side, you (the person who would love appreciation) could try these. The key point is to end with something you do want, not something you don't want.
When I clean up something you ask me to and then I don't receive thanks, I feel sad because it's important to me to feel appreciated for my contribution. When you said “It's about time,” I felt angry because I wish to be treated with kindness.
When you didn't say anything about how I cleaned the house, I felt irritated, because I would like more communication between us.
And follow these up with a specific request:
Next time you notice that I cleaned up, would you be willing to refrain from sarcasm, and instead tell me that you appreciate when I support you?
Hey, I didn’t really expect to change your life here – just to make you think. I am always thinking.
Mr. Ebsen may be contacted at robertebsen@hotmail.com
