My daughter called this morning to ask if it would be okay with my wife to hem a pair of pants. She was starting a new job, had bought new clothing and didn’t want to mess up the pants. “Come over at 7 tonight,” my wife said.
Several hours later, my daughter asked if we were having dinner at home. “Yes, chicken, “I said.
“But I’m a vegetarian,” she said with dismay.
“What does that have to do with our dinner?” I wanted to know. “Oh? Aren’t you inviting me to eat?”
“No.”
“Then why did you pick that time of day?”
“Because it was convenient for your mother.”
Talk about picking up on an implication that was not there.
This conversation started me thinking again about how we communicate. We may talk but we don’t think about how we talk. We think the words — and out they come.
We all talk in a combination of two ways, literal and inferential. There are the occasional few who will talk either 100 percent literally or inferentially. That is rare. Also important is how we take information in, the opposite to the way we speak out. If we take information in 60 percent literally and 40 percent inferentially, we speak out 60 percent inferentially and 40 percent literally. It becomes apparent we need to listen more carefully to what we say and what is said to us.
Why They Clashed
Recently I saw a couple having trouble communicating. Neither seemed to hear what the other was saying. They had continuous arguments over who said what to whom.
I conducted a suggestibility test to determine the percentage of literal or inferential communication they had.
As a hypnotherapist, it is important to know the percentages so I can use the right combination of words to have the most impact for a client to help him achieve the changes he wants.
To my surprise, both parties of the couple were 65 percent inferential.
You can imagine why their communication was difficult their communication became. Because both spoke out 65 percent literally and both took information in 65 percent inferentially, neither understood what the other was saying. They were reading things into what the other was saying.
When they realized how badly they were communicating, they began to change the way they spoke.
All You Need to Do Is Ask
When unsure what the other was saying, he or she would inquire until it was clear. There never is harm in asking such questions. The more they asked, the clearer communication became. Thankfully, their marriage is now more stable.
Many years ago I was a salesman and as I was training to become a hypnotherapist, I was able to use what I was learning to ensure clear communication with any prospects or current clients.
Further, as a handwriting analyst I was able to see (as they took notes) what their suggestibility was.
That way, I could alter my presentation and develop complete understanding of what I was saying. The result: I outsold every colleague 6 to 1.
Verbal communication is only half. The other half is our behavior.
An immutable law in nature holds that opposites attract.
Starting a relationship, it is crucial to see if the person you are dating is your behavioral opposite.
Can you imagine two people with the same behaviors?
If both are outgoing, one will be unhappy when the other gains all the attention.
If quiet, they will sit in a room, never do anything, go anywhere and probably not talk to each other.
The other part to the behavior issue is to realize that within each of us we have a dominant and sub dominant behavior. Ideally, we are looking for behaviors opposite to ours. Remember, our sub dominant behaviors are the dominant behavior of our potential partner.
Know that how and why your partner behaves the way he does is part of your makeup also.
The opposite behavior also can cause a breakup. The traits that attracted you to your partner can break you apart.
If the quiet one likes the outgoing one, the relationship will work for a while until the quiet one becomes fed up with the constant need of his partner to be around people. The quiet one can handle this for awhile. But soon his nature takes hold.
They two begin to balk at going out, and they will need their quiet time. The outgoing one will be unhappy doing nothing, and the relationship will shatter as the outgoing one starts to look elsewhere for company.
I have written a general outline with many variables. Take what you read here and understand that we all fit into one category in varying degrees. It is important to understand these are surface guidelines. If you are looking for a deeper explanation, contact me.
In the meantime happy communication and happy relationships.
A clinical hypnotherapist, handwriting analyst and expert master hypnotist, Nicholas Pollak may be contacted at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net
