Listening to Rabbi Rita at her Tuesday afternoon class, I had an epiphany. I realized that I was a less-than-very-sensitive individual.
Sure, I thought I knew all about being sensitive to others. After all, didn’t I, as a young, single man, take that course in Parent Effective Training? Didn’t I espouse, during all these subsequent years, using “active listening,” giving “I-messages,” and solving conflicts by taking turns?
Yes. I had often heard about being sensitive. But there was something I did not learn. Thank you, Rabbi Rita, for reminding me that to be sensitive to others means to tune in to their feelings, moods, and to their “presence.” When somebody is hurting, you don’t want to try to pick up his or her spirits. Instead, you want to identify with peoples’ feelings of sadness or pain. Rabbi Rita pointed out that we need to be sensing, feeling, thinking, intuiting — to make a judgment that is not about us. We need to shift the focus from an ego-self, to realizing we are not the only ones here.
I learned something today. That is why I texted my wife after the class to say I was sorry about being insensitive this morning. Earlier, when she asked me if I would take the bundles of clothing to the Goodwill, I said something like “Why don’t we go together?” I now realize I could have said, “Sure, honey. No problem.” I did take the bundles to Goodwill this afternoon — with my mom. Then something wonderful happened. I discovered that this Goodwill, far from my neighborhood, had a collection of books-on-tape. I went back to the car and brought mom to have a look. Mom has low vision. She was delighted to find three books-on-tape, and at a very low price. God is good.
What I learned today is that we (and this includes me) need to stop, think about when and how we can most effectively be helpful to others.
Pirke Avot, or Ethics of the Fathers, is a compilation of the ethical teachings of the Rabbis from about 10 of the Common Era to 220 of the Common Era. Rabbi Rita spoke of how Rabbi Simeon ben Eleazar teaches us about sensitivity in Pirke Avot. Freely translated, Rabbi Eleazar spoke these healthy suggestions:
- Do not cool another’s anger in the midst of his rage [it’s not our business to judge what anyone’s anger stems from, and to try to cut it off],
- Do not comfort or console the bereaved while their dead lies before them [we don’t want to deny that death and grieving is a part of life],
- Do not question a person when his or her vow is already made and sealed, and
- Do not seek out a friend whose shame still stings.
Rabbi Rita says a person with a good heart factors all these things in, and is willing to subjugate his or her own ego, in determining their behavior. We need to see that somebody else is just as important as “I.”
So, if you (or I) must take pains to follow the Rabbi’s precepts, all the more sensitive we must be to the subtle messages we get from others. Messages such as “Would you take out the garbage?”
Mr. Ebsen may be contacted at robertebsen@hotmail.com
