I have spent 17 years and 11 months raising my baby girl, investing resources, knowledge, wisdom and time to give her the best start in life.
She is a daddy’s girl, my only daughter.
Over the last five years, our relationship has been filled with tension, arguments, heartache and tears as she seeks to become her own woman.
She wants to make independent decisions that ignore everything I've tried to teach. All I wanted was to protect her.
I lately have realized my daughter was going through what teenagers experience when hormones, rap music, videos, popular culture and social media collide in Los Angeles:
Unconscious decisions and reckless behavior, which are sure to derail hopes for college and future success. I would not give up, or give in to her nonsense even though the last five years have been brutal. My concerns are she would get pregnant prematurely and/or get a disease like HIV/AIDS, and there was nothing I could do to prevent them.
I took the advice of my friend Tony Wafford. I had The Conversation with my daughter when she was 15 years. I told her she always is in control. She didn't have to do anything she didn't want to do. We talked about sexually transmitted disease. We talked about HIV/AIDS. We talked about pregnancy, how having a child requires you to sacrifice your life, your dreams. I ended with a hesitant, unpleasant suggestion: That she carry condoms in her purse. ,
I am comforted that my daughter understands she is in control. The challenge is when she is not in control, when she is misinformed, uninformed or straight-out lied to about the sexual preferences or activities of someone she may be attracted to.
I am discomforted with the thought of a man who has chosen to have sex with other men, or who is on the down-low, or has had sex with other men while formerly incarcerated, and then refuses to be honest with a woman (or women) that he plans to have sex with. How can my daughter protect herself from such deception?
I struggle with the notion many young men (and young women) believe that having sex with someone of the same gender is not homosexuality or bisexuality, simply sexual experimentation. Defining this as mere experimentation while continuing to identify as heterosexual, is cowardice, deceptive, a dangerous scenario for my daughter to find herself in.
As my daughter started dating, none of the guys she introduced to me was good enough. Were they sexually active and/or on the down-low?
I would only ask how they were doing in school; were they planning on going to college; where did they want to go to college; what did they want to major in; and what did they want to do in life?
I already knew my standards would be too high for just any dude. I was concerned that she wouldn't get too serious too soon. I explained to her that she had plenty of time, that she would meet many different people from different backgrounds more than what she would find in high school.
Of course she dated a guy who didn't know what he wanted to do in life. He didn't have a car or a job. He wasn't applying himself in school. In his defense he was well-mannered and polite. Good manners, though, will not get you anywhere in life. What did my daughter see in him? Why couldn't she date someone who had it going on? Her response blew me away.
Dad, she said, all the guys that look like they have it going on, the athletes, the most popular, those who will get college scholarships, they sleep around with everyone. They get STDs. They are unfaithful. They treat girls like dirt. I know my boyfriend doesn't have it going on right now. At least he is there for me. He doesn't cheat on me.
I guess my daughter didn't ignore everything I tried to teach her. Her response convinces me that she is able to protect herself.
Mr. Lee may be contacted through the I Choose Life, Health and Wellness Center at info@ichoose-life.com
