[img]541|left|Carter Dewberry||no_popup[/img] It's like I decided to bake a loaf of bread without adding yeast or perform the Dvorak Cello Concerto with orchestra without rehearsing a note beforehand.
I don’t know if I do these things because I subconsciously feel my life doesn’t have enough thrill, because I get bored with the routine, or just to see how much I can get away with before I fall flat on my face.
In my youth, this irrational behavior gave me cavities, occasional bad grades, and eventually with my music, tendonitis. These days at least I catch myself when beginning down one of these dead-end paths.
My new trick is that after I become aware of a misstep, I get tangled up in the post-mortem analysis. I ask myself relentlessly, why do I do these things that I know, just know, won't give me the results I want?
At this moment, I am trying to figure out why I am experiencing such a streak of rebellion over sending a simple three-line email. I could have sent two dozen such messages already in the time it has taken me to form these sentences.
Conquest Is Not a Good Sign
Maybe it is because this email, while small in form, is one of my most critical actions towards staying on my desired life’s path – and out of the weeds of distraction and drama.
Consisting of a list of three tasks, I send this report daily to a group of fellow overachievers who have banded together to keep each other on track. This group is my defense against my deepest fears of success.
For weeks at a time I will send my emails without protest or hesitation, on top of the world (and my game).
Inevitably, as soon as I start to feel like I’ve mastered this habit of being true to my word, I trip. Sometimes, I reason, I deserve a day off. Other times I think I am too structured and need to chill out. Occasionally, I forget… at least until I am nearly asleep.
Which is where I find myself now.
And, seeing as how it has already been 20 minutes since I first contemplated and immediately resisted the thought of disturbing my cat and walking to the opposite corner of my loft, it is clear that I can analyze for hours. But if I want to sleep, I need to go send that email.
(I would like to thank Keith J. Cunningham and my group for inviting me to create this vital accountability structure in my life.)
Ms. Dewberry, an accomplished cellist, completed her DMA in Chamber Music Performance from UCLA in December 2005. She received her MM in Cello Performance from UCLA in June 2002 and her B.M. in Cello Performance from Western Michigan University in April 1998. She also holds a B.A. in French with a minor in Women's Studies and Philosophy.
Her website is www.carterdewberry.com
She may be contacted at carter@carterdewberry.com
