Search no more for an upside to yesterday’s Supreme Court verdicts:
In spite of an orgy of open-air kissing, hugging and feeling-up that went on shamelessly in public for hours, the starchly positive news is that no surprise pregnancy announcements are anticipated in the coming weeks.
On a hot day, we are awash this morning in more upbeat fallout over the Supreme Court verdicts:
• Girls kissing normal-looking girls and bearded boys kissing pink-cheeked ones cannot make each other with child, can they?
• Cable television reported this morning that overnight in a single state, Maryland, 78 pediatricians-in-training shifted to different medical fields because they believe soon millions fewer children will be born.
If you think there has been a ground-shaking cultural shift from Americans broadly opposed to largely favoring gay marriage, wait until the avalanche of gay groom-and-groom, bride-and-bride weddings hits.
• When the minister says, “You may kiss the bride,” how will anyone know who should take the lead?
• Instead of traditional baby showers every several years identifying young marriages, they will become historical artifacts, supplanted by all-night preparation parties for gay pride rallies.
• Bar-closing quips by tipsy customers, like “I better get home to the little woman,” will become obsolete, unless uttered by another diminutive girl.
• Children’s Hospital on Sunset is scheduled to meld into an antique emporium by 2019.
• Samples of coed restrooms and coed dorms will be frantically shipped to the Smithsonian before the end of the year when they figure to become extinct from a yawning lack of occupational interest.
• The incidence of lesbian couples divorcing is expected to soar by 2017, largely due to fights over whose turn it is when the calendar say it is girl’s night out (singular, not plural).
• If Michael Jackson had lived to see yesterday’s rulings, he would have been expected to kill himself with the supply of children likely to dry up.
• If Doc Kermit Gosnell of Philly had killed that slew of babies later rather than earlier, in the spirit of the children-disappearing gay times, he could have avoided his prison sentence.
• Manufacturers of child-proof locks soon will be forming their own breadlines as the kid population skids. Child’s portions at restaurants will pass into obsolescence. Unemployed entrepreneurs will be joined by Toys R Us, teachers unions coast to coast, manufacturers of maternity clothes, of Johnson’s Baby Powder, of baby carriages, of video games, along with Little League and Pop Warner parents who will drive empty cars to unnecessary games. Three major diaper manufacturers have announced transfer of their headquarters to London and Dublin.
• Proudly unembarrassable President Obama, who has staunchly stood – maybe not staunchly – on three sides of gay marriage – for, against and for, as the polls changed – can kill his gun control campaigns. Young ‘uns soon will be vanishing from America on their own. In the future when he feels the urge to talk about climate change, he will need the theme to read, cultural climate change.
• Family reunions will be outlawed because there won’t be any families to reunite, just him and him and her and her.
• Within a generation, almost 55 percent of America’s public schools are expected to be shuttered because if gays can’t make each other pregnant, there will be no one to fill dust-collecting classrooms.
• Planned Parenthood, the planet’s No. 1 abortion mill, will fade into history faster than counterfeit Susan B. Anthony coins. Planned Parenthood buildings will morph into tourist destinations. A gay man cannot get an abortion, can he, even if he needs one?
• The Gymboree franchise will be converted into a national network of low-class beer bars for gay grandparents only – and dissolve a year later for lack of patronage.
