[img]958|left|||no_popup[/img] Dateline Boston — I’m trying to relax. In addition to doing a yoga DVD for old people, I’m trying guided meditation. A good friend of mine recommended a podcast to try. They say it works best with headphones, and you don’t have to sit, you can lie down. Sounded good to me. I tried it.
This podcast was recorded by a married couple. The woman’s voice was slightly creepy, like she was trying very hard to have a dreamy meditative voice. The man’s voice was slightly more creepy. I decided to give it a try anyway.
Meditation Man started off by talking about breathing. My S.O. was lying next to me. He said, “Should I leave?” “No,” I replied, “you can stay here. Also, let the cat in, she’s scratching at the door.” Our cat Shelby settled herself across my pillow at the top of my head. She purred loudly.
Focus on breathing. I focused on Shelby’s breathing. “Deep breath in”…purr, purr. “Release…” purr, purr. Shelby must be happy all the time. I wonder what it’s like to be in a constant state of happiness?
“You may feel yourself getting heavy with relaxation. Focus on your breathing.” My S.O., next to me, snores. I’m supposed to be relaxing, yet he’s the one who falls asleep. Great. I laugh, something you’re really not supposed to do while meditating. Okay, S.O. and Shelby—out!
S.O. says he’s going to make coffee. I say, “Take the cat with you. You don’t need to give her her pills, just the wet food — you know to put it in the microwave for five seconds?” Yeah, this meditation thing was really working.
Back to breathing. Breathe in…and out…in…and out. Are those birds in the background? I love bird and forest sounds. Ooh, that’s a Redwing Blackbird! Breathe in…breathe out. Focus on your breathing.
That’s a loon. I think. Do loons make lots of different sounds or just that sound? Prince had that very sound on one of his songs. Did he know it was a loon? Did he say, “I like that sound; what bird is that?” Or did he just say, “That’s a cool sound. Let’s stick that in here.” Did he even know it was a bird? I’m not calling Prince an idiot; it’s just that a loon call is so strange you might not have any idea what it is.
Breathe…breathe…breathe…
My thoughts turned to the ridiculous. I wonder what Kate Middleton’s wedding gown would have looked like if it were turquoise? Wait, that’s not turquoise I’m picturing, it’s teal. What if it were teal? What about red? She would look like one of those ladies from Spain. Do those ladies have anything to do with bullfighting? I can’t remember.
Breathe. Focus on Meditation Man’s voice. I breathe for a minute.
I hear crickets. Crickets? It’s nighttime all of a sudden? There’s an owl. Creepy, even though I like owls. Harry Potter.
Meditation Man said my thoughts might wander. Looks like mine hopped on a roller coaster. Breathe. Really focus. Suddenly, I’m focusing on my breathing. Really focusing. Ahhh, what a relief.
Mister Meditation told me to come back from my relaxed state. What?! Just when I got the hang of it? Then Missus Meditation came on, asking me to make a donation to their organization.
I’m not giving up on meditation. It just might take me awhile to focus.
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
