Dateline Boston — My local CVS is full of entertainment. There are so many characters who work there — there’s the early man pharmacist, the depressed cashier, and a new manager who reminds me of the “bad” brother in “Slumdog Millionaire.” He’s very nice, but just a little too slick. Here are some stories from CVS that I’ve collected over the years.
The pharmacist looks exactly like one of the Geico cavemen. I’m not kidding. He has long, scraggly, curly brown hair, a full beard and mustache, and a Cro-Magnon-shaped face. He wears a white button- down shirt, a tie, and dress pants. He looks like early man trying to fit into modern society. I fight the urge to grunt at him, “Me want drugs!”
One time I had just come back from a weekend away, and I went to CVS to get some milk. Saw some yogurt while I was there, and figured that might be a good thing to have in the morning.
At the register, the yogurt didn’t scan, so the cashier asked me to go over to the scan machine and tell me what price it gave. I scanned the yogurt, and the scanner read $999.99. I told the pimply-faced man at the register, “It says nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents. Man, that’s expensive yogurt!” He didn’t really laugh, just smiled, and looked frustrated. He asked me how much yogurt usually cost. I took a guess and said $1.39. Was I close?
Another time I went to CVS and got the same cashier. I had to make photo prints for school. I made the prints at the New Print Station where they print out your photos immediately and give you a receipt that doesn’t have the price on it.
I went to the register and handed the guy my receipt. He seemed depressed that day. He’s one of those quiet, greasy-haired lonely guys who doesn’t like his job. I asked him how the new system worked — did I give him the receipt and he’d tell me how much it was? He said, “No, just tell me how many prints you made.” I stood there, trying to remember. As I did, he scanned the receipt and told me how many it was. I told him that that was an “interesting” system; I mean, theoretically, I could make 50 prints and tell him I made 10, or not say anything, and just walk out of the store. He said, “You wouldn’t do that, would you?” I replied, “Of course I wouldn’t, but…I’m just telling you, for your design system.” He fired back dryly, “If I designed systems, I wouldn’t be working the cash register.” To which I said, “Got it!” and beat it out of there. Oh, god. I’m glad I’m a happy person and love my job. I think CVS stands for “Cashier Very Sad.”
This CVS is only two blocks from my house, so I go there all the time. Never a dull moment, I guess.
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at campbellalexandra@hotmail.com
