[img]541|left|Carter Dewberry||no_popup[/img]Saying these words to myself brought the beginnings of calm to my turbulent stomach.
I failed. I accepted defeat. Whatever my harshest critic could say of my choice, I was past caring. I had been telling myself to give it “just one more season” and stick out the latest round of structural changes. But my stomach boycotted the six-month plan. After four days of major nausea and depressive fits preceded by weeks of veiled anxiety at the rounds of board emails regarding fundraisers, musician pay and new concert locations, all I wanted was to move on and find the sunlight in my life again… and keep down a meal.
Last week I quit my affiliation with The Definiens Project, a chamber music group I founded 9 years ago. I resigned from the board of directors, effective immediately, and as a musician after the next few rounds of concerts. I will not be completing the season.
Moving On
I am generally consistent in my actions. When I find myself making declarations and decisions that are wildly contrasting, I find I need to sit up and pay attention. Something isn’t sitting right with me.
I have driven myself (and the others in the group) crazy these last few years with my commitment level to the group. I gave my 100 percent in the years leading up to and including the 2007-08 season only to burn myself to a crisp that spring. I took the next year off almost completely from the group. Last season I started dipping my toe into the Definiens pool yet again. I shrugged off my chills, thinking I just needed to get back into the swing.
This summer, after serious reflection and a desire to recommit, I concluded that if the group – and board – made structural changes (which included me stepping down as President), I should be able to resuscitate some of my early fervor. And so I began this fall.
Wow, was I wrong. While on the surface I participated in meetings and took on new tasks, below deck I started experiencing waves of this nauseating feeling, as if I were stuck in the movie “Groundhog Day.”
The Whole Truth
The truth is, what I had originally imagined Definiens would become has not come to pass. While I thought I would be happy with the direction it did take, the more I have changed in the past few years, the more estranged I have felt.
I have friends and colleagues in this group. This has made it, oh, so much harder, both in making the decision and in dealing with the aftermath. Even so, regardless of how the cards (and friendships) land, I know I have made the right decision. It’s now time for the next chapter for both Definiens and me.
The end.
Ms. Dewberry, an accomplished cellist, completed her DMA in Chamber Music Performance from UCLA in December 2005. She received her MM in Cello Performance from UCLA in June 2002 and her B.M. in Cello Performance from Western Michigan University in April 1998. She also holds a B.A. in French with a minor in Women's Studies and Philosophy.
Her website is www.carterdewberry.com
She may be contacted at carter@carterdewberry.com
