[img]958|left|Alex Campbell||no_popup[/img]Dateline Boston — My cat Shelby should have been a bloodhound, or maybe a top chef. I know cats have a keen sense of smell, but there are times when she goes after a scent like she’s a drug addict gunning for her next fix. Case in point: Now, as I write this essay longhand, using a ballpoint pen in my spiral notebook before I type it out. She loves the smell and taste of ink, and when I’m writing, she jumps up on my lap and licks that paper voraciously. It’s hard to watch. When I pull her away, she fights me, her sandpaper tongue trying to lap up my words as if they were food. Perhaps one day she’ll start talking.
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She also licks photographs. This crazy cat ingests chemicals whenever my back is turned. She prefers fresh chemicals to those that have been sitting around awhile.
When S.O. and I eat breakfast in front of the TV, Shelby can be counted on to worm her way in between us, hoping to get a taste of whatever we’re having. She goes crazy for the smell of toast — I’m not sure if it’s the bread, the butter or the organic fruit spread. Could be all three. Back when I was single, I sometimes let her lick the plate when I was done so she could have just a few crumbs. When S.O. came into the picture, I used to whisper to her theatrically, “Remember Shelby, only when Daddy isn’t here.” Since we’ve shacked up, “Daddy” has put the kibosh on Shelby’s Clean Plate Club.
I should interrupt my meal discussion to say that Shelby is allowed to actually eat one type of food only. She eats rabbit, both in pellet form and canned form. If she eats any other cat food, her stomach gets upset. She’s had chicken, fish and venison, all with the same results. Rabbit was the ticket to tame her Inflammatory Bowel Disease. The poor thing has had to eat the same type of food for the past three years.
I’ve seen and smelled the results of non-compliance, however. So rabbit it is. This doesn’t stop her from begging at the dinner table. In the evening, she likes spicy flavors. Indian food makes her come running. She likes sauce. When I open a new can of rabbit, she’ll drink the liquid it comes in and leave the food on the plate till she gets desperate.
After the leftovers have been put in the refrigerator, she prefers to have them warmed up before she’ll eat them. I’ve found that a tablespoon of wet rabbit warmed in the microwave for six seconds is suitable for consumption. When she’s happy or bored, Shelby eats lint off the carpet and cobwebs from under the radiators. She’s our very own feline Roomba.
As good as she is at eating, she’s also a great fake eater. She takes three pills a day for her other condition, a heart murmur. She’s an expert at pretending she’s swallowed the pill you’ve just shoved down her throat. Hours later, I’ll find it in her food dish (see photo) or on the floor. Occasionally, she’ll be bold and fling it right out of her mouth as I’m standing there. She’s got a lot of chutzpah, my furry friend.
She cringes at the smell of citrus fruits, bananas and peppermint. Not a fan of salad. But if you put bread, butter, Indian food, and a handwritten grocery list into a sandwich, she’d devour it in seconds. Maybe a garnish of sock lint would be nice, washed down with water dripping from the tap. What? You thought she drank water out of a bowl? BOR-ing!
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
