The memo was issued on Sunday, May 13, Mother’s Day.
Weeks later when I talked to Dobbs, he still was fuming.
The memo:
Effective immediately, this hospital no longer will provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition.
An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy.
In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas.
Food service will be discontinued.
Hungry? Eat Your Heart Out
Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something. Or they can make separate arrangements at Subway, Dominos or McDonald’s.
Coin-operated rotary telephones will be available for patients to order food or make other calls.
Slick Strategy
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy have been combined.
Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing a therapeutic range of motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Families and ambulatory patients can sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill.
Look Whos Mowing em Down
Time cards will be provided.
Administration is assuming groundskeeping duties.
If an administrator cannot be reached at his or her office, it is suggested that you go outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower or weed-whacker.
Restrictions for Doctors
Physicians have been informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per stay. This is due to the turnaround time required at the Willie Sutton Memorial Photo Lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one.
During the hot summer months, Southern California Edison has been asked to install individual meters in each patient’s room. That way electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed.
Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital Gift Shop.
Not One Word
Returning from a job search, Nurse Dobbs declined comment on the contents of the memo.
