Instantly losing interest in the baffling Virg Petraeus sex scandal that would lead us to President Obama’s dessert of lies over what happened two months ago in the Benghazi slaughter of four Americans, the Los Angeles Titanic yesterday yanked its reporting team off that non-story to plumb a far more momentous tale.
The haunting question law-loving liberals everywhere are asking is:
What obscure, ethically crippled, probably child-molesting conservatives were deviously involved in an $11 million Arizona-based campaign donation last month to support Prop. 32? Thirty-two would have barred unions from forcefully subtracting money each week from members’ paychecks and funneling the confiscated funds into Democrat campaigns.
Unionists, furious anyone would disagree, complained that 32 would have denuded their authority – to filch, I presume.
For weeks, the Titanic has dedicated practically daily reports to unearthing the scarred names, the vile names, of these red-necked, bulgy-eyed right-wing scoundrels.
Convinced this is the equivalent of an offense against God, state officials rushed to court last month to force these likely ex-cons to reveal their identities.
While Swishy goes on spinning Benghazi lies in the White House and whatever foreign land he is visiting today, the Titanic relentlessly has pursued the Arizona group, Americans for Responsible Leadership, by thunder, committed to bringing the right-wing heathens to heel.
Breathlessly, the Titanic panted, coughed and told its perspiring readers that the dastardly unidentified boys have been “tied” to the hated Koch brothers, who have shlepped a huge Democrat bounty on their pointy conservative heads for years.
I Will Have That Tie Over There
“Tied to the Koch brothers” could mean that the obscure donors once were in Tombstone, AZ, the same week the dreaded Koch brothers drove through in their ’99 Corollas.
California Democrat state leaders, angered at being turned away in court, raged to reporters that by thunder, they would learn the donors’ names by employing whatever force was required.
The favorable judge the Democrats targeted to put the heat on the Arizona cowboys ended up disappointing the petitioners who came to court wearing all white. The judge told Gov. Flat Tire, “Sorry, kid. I can’t do anything before the election.”
Mr. Tire and his fellow sycophants scowled, cursed and left.
As recently as yesterday morning, the Titanic reported the following monumental tribute to rhetorical eloquence by a girl who loves to pop off.
She Could Audition for ‘Mad Men’
The fiery words spilled out of the Republican-hating mouth of California’s hot-headed Attorney General, Kamala (My Friends Call Me Fred) Harris on tracking down the mysterious donors.
Alluding to her frustration after learning she would have to wait for a ruling until after last week’s election, Fred fumed:
“It ain’t over. It wasn’t over on Election Day, and we’re going to keep pushing it through.”
Not exactly the Gettysburg Address, but you go, girl.
Or as Fred’s short-haired deputy piped up later: “Criminals can wait. We wanna find out who those darned rich Republicans are.”
I ask you, who needs an FBI or a CIA when you have girls like this hot on the trail of bad guys?
A Time for Learning
Facts about the late election you will not read in the partisan Ku Klux Titanic:
• Seven different groups or persons separately made $11 million-plus donations to a proposition cause – but the conservative group was the only one Fred deemed worthy of humiliating punishment.
• California labor unions spent more than $60 million to defeat Prop. 32 – by jerking wallets out of their reluctant members’ reluctant pockets.
• Apparently by legally stealing from poverty-threatened classroom instructors, the California Teachers Assn. donated a modest $32.5 million to beat Prop. 32 to a pulp. Reportedly, the bulk was raised from the proceeds of nine bake sales in poor Northern California neighborhoods.
• The SEIU says it just hates asking members for donations – so it steals from the boys instead. That way, the SEIU was able to deliver a $21.6 million haul to the No on 32 campaign.
Listen closely, dear reader, and you will hear the pounding sound of horses’ hooves as Fred Harris, a modern day Gene Autry, and her mostly girl posse gallantly gallop across the Arizona desert in fearless quest of those bashful but wealthy conservatives. Being liberals, the girls are all single. So they don’t have to hurry back home.
