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I presume the more perceptive among you have noticed in this Presidential season that for the 219th consecutive year, only one political party in our country remains undefeated and untied, those sly Democrats.
You are needlessly cynical — the kind who deliberately sparks a spat with his spouse — if you insist on mentioning that the unbeaten Democrats have lost 7 of the last 10 races for President.
After two days of exhaustive research among the dustiest files that Democrats meticulously maintain, I can confidently report that, by golly, gee whillickers whizbang, the Democrats did not lose in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1984, 1988, 2000 and 2004.
They were jobbed.
Sure, Republicans ascended to the White House after those 7 elections. But everybody knows Republicans are dirty cheaters, that all they do is attack, attack, lie and drink wine the color of their skin, and we ain’t talkin’ Indians.
All-Seeing, All-Knowing Obama
If the meanie Republicans haven’t dropped the hammer on me yet, the putatively prescient Mr. Obama — a more apt candidate for the Green Party — tells us out on the campaign trail, then by golly they will, because that’s what rich, white Republicans do.
Republicans cheated all 7 times in the last 40 years to beat out the sin-free Democrat who drew more votes, or at least by golly he would have if the dirty white cheaters hadn’t scared away old, decrepit, recovering addicts of color who had just fled the racism, the sexism, the ageism and the drinkism of prison and were unlucky enough to be hijacked by mean-spirited, rich, white Republicans on their way to the polls to vote for the right person and to collect their stipends for randomly choosing the right person — and for learning to spell “s-t-i-p-e-n-d-s.” Next election, they promise to memorize the definition, too.
Meanwhile, on the homefront:
Liberal parents teach the diminutive Democrats who are struggling to grow up in their latter-day communes that if there were justice in the world, not to mention authentic global warming, President Gore would be completing his 8th year in the White House and that President Kerry should be rounding out his first term as Commander-in-Chief.
Simultaneously?
What Do We Tell True Believers — and My Wife?
Isn’t it astonishing that as Mr. Obama keeps stepping into jars of molasses with vague, drifting formulations out on the stump, the party leadership continues to insist that they are undefeated for this century?
Without a scintilla of proof, the loudest liberal voices in the party and in the media — they are virtually indistinguishable — declare that Mr. Bush won in ’00 because the Republicans stole Florida, and he won in ’04 because the Republicans stole Ohio.
Liberals do not require evidence, just stentorian voices, and for the choirboys and choirgirls in the media to sing in sync with them.
Lose? I Thought You Said Loose
Every liberal who can walk and ingest drugs at the same time without spilling has thoroughly investigated every suspected corner in Florida and Ohio. They came away with the identical conclusion, that Mr. Bush won fairly.
A Democrat, however, seems unable to admit he ever lost.
And so it was with Saturday afternoon’s showdown at the Saddleback Church. In the name of almost-painful fairness, Mr. Obama and Mr. McCain were to be given the same questions without any prior knowledge. They flipped a coin to see who would lead off, but Mr. Obama had told Pastor Rick Warren he wanted to go first.
Here is where the plot grows deliciously more dense for Democrats.
What would they do with Mr. McCain while his rival was being questioned on stage? He was supposed to be out of hearing range, or, as it was quaintly phrased, “in a cone of silence.”
Would party chairman Howard (I Am Taller Than Most Children) Dean order those thugs who hang around Mr. Obama to pay a friendly visit to Mr. McCain to see if he has shaved, brushed and rinsed?
Back in the Saddle(back) Again
Based on content and style, Mr. Obama lost the oratorical contest, nearly everybody agrees.
For the past 72 hours, though, Dems and their henchmen and hench-girls in the media have been scrambling furiously to explain why Mr. Obama, the golden orator, was solidly beaten by Mr. McCain, the less-gifted communicator.
Historically and hysterically, Dems are deeply experienced in this arena of rationalizing defeats.
For 3 centuries, they have been scratching their angry heads trying to deduce how their guy, obviously superior, loses to the Republican, who automatically enters every contest as the underdog because he is a rich, white Republican.
You would think liberals always would have a handy alibi tucked into their backpockets, the way an asthma sufferer never strays from his inhaler.
What Will They Fall for?
By early Sunday morning, when even slow thinkers realized their guy had taken it on the chin, the reliably glassy-eyed media fleet was out in force, trying to diminish Mr. McCain’s victory.
They settled on every self-respecting Dem’s No. 1 standby argument:
There’s only one way the Other Guy could have won —“he cheated.”
Dems deserve credit for bringing this wheeze to the public without cracking a smile.
Now the burden of proof was on the media. How, praytell, could they say that Mr. McCain cribbed to defeat He Who Is Without Sin?
While He Who was being questioned by the pastor on stage, Mr. McCain was supposed to be sealed into an airtight, ziplocked room, with a copy of the Democratic platform extending from each ear, without access to television, radio, cellphones, iphones, xylophones or chromosomes.
Kit-ee, You Are So Catty
The once-respected New York Times has sunk so far into the tank for Mr. Obama that by yesterday’s edition, aging girl reporter Kit Seelye wrote a story that flatly, nakedly accused Mr. McCain of cheating to win. Ms. Seelye declined, however, to produce any evidence, which is a new policy at the Times. I am guessing her ethics have committed suicide.
Given that the formerly august Times made this claim, it now is widely regarded across America as fact, which, I imagine, should be taken as a warning to killers roaming the sidewalks of Manhattan. If the Times gets on their case, they could get hanged before they reach jail, much less a courtroom.
But for sheer arrogance, an essayist on the Huffington Post blog this morning won the cake with the balmiest excuse.
Identified as Mark Joseph, a record-producer, he wrote:
“I blame Obama's performance on Hawaii and the strategic mistake his campaign made by scheduling such an important event so close to the end of his vacation. Obama looked like I feel for the first few days after I get back from vacation: listless, too relaxed and wishing I was still on vacation. His mind was elsewhere.”
Exclusive
I learned privately this morning that a 10-man, 2-girl pre-research team, sequestered at the rear of an estate in Chicago, owned by homegrown terrorist Bill Ayers, has been working assiduously since July 21 to develop a palatable scenario in case Barack (I Can’t Lose) Obama loses in November. Two sources told me that a county in northern Rhode Island likely is to be fingered as the culprit.
