[img]1|left|Ari Noonan||no_popup[/img]Now that we are into December by a few hours, the most beautiful reason for all of us non-Christians to enjoy this season is magnificently colorful time-laden traditions.
Around 6 o’clock tonight, the politically correct Downtown Business Assn. (Lawdy, Lawdy, we don’t want to offend anybody) will light the community’s Christmas Tree in Town Plaza adjacent to The Culver Hotel.
The politically correct Downtown Business Assn., gargled, cleared its throat and said, “Bub, you are wrong. It’s a Holiday Tree.”
Here was the way these astute, lily-livered pillars wanted it announced in Culver City’s six newspapers:
Celebrate the season of goodwill at the annual Downtown Culver City Lighting of the Holiday Tree Ceremony, presented by the Downtown Business Assn., City of Culver City and Culver City Redevelopment Agency.
Don’t you wonder how these flabby minded, jelly-willed people have become successful when they are so unthinkingly swift to surrender their dignity and pride to tin horn pressure groups?
The pressure groups told the intimidated pillars, “See that Christmas Tree? Ain’t no Christmas Tree anymore, dude. The name might offend yahoos of other faiths. You, dude, being a pillar and all, don’t want to offend anyone, do you?”
And so the imaginative giants of the Downtown Business Assn., sturdy thinkers that they are, descended into quiver-and-perspire mode.
Courageously, they took a unanimous vow — in the back room, where no one could see them — to throw the childhood memories of every Christmas celebrator in Culver City into the nearest trash can.
What character the boobs display?
You think they care about you and your traditions?
If you plan to attend tonight’s lighting — and it will be fun in spite of the Downtown Scrooge Assn. — bring canes and chairs for the I Surrender members of the Downtown Scrooge Assn. to sit or lean on before they fall all the way down.
The boys from Downtown Scrooge probably will cover their eyes because Santa Claus — or as the Downtown pillars say, What’s His Name? — will be visiting from the North Pole.
Once again this year, the Lin Howe School Choir and the Culver City High School AVPA Chamber Singers will perform, and Mayor Mehaul O’Leary will welcome the starchly politically correct and us normal people.
Grimly making a subtle concession to tradition (horrors), the Downtown Scrooges will serve hot cider, hot cocoa and other festive treats.
Finally, the politically correct Downtown yahoos want the half-baked pressure groups to know they also are surrendering to their climate change masters. They have made this Christmas (they would say “holiday”) Tree a politically correct green. Their unreal Christmas Tree, in reality, is energy efficient, lighting the 22-foot artificial tree with LED lights.
This must be where we all are obliged to exhale in rote unison and say, “Thank you, Scrooges, for making us all politically correct.”
Merry Christmas, fellows.
