[img]1|left|||no_popup[/img]No matter how briefly you have lived, you no doubt have learned that certain outcomes are inevitable.
That is, the truth fairies have seen to it that whether down is up or in is out, ain’t nothing going to affect the final, carefully predetermined score.
And so, friends, such a notion brings us to the newest front porch discussion about global warming.
Even though the truest believers, their image in tatters, were forced a few years ago to change their biblical mantra from global warming to “climate change.” Too many people had noticed the planet was, uncooperatively, getting cooler.
But, picky, picky.
Professors of Vague litter America’s university campuses. Whether sociology, economics or Swish’s undocumented cerebral powers, for pure abstractness, no one faces the mammoth challenge of the nutty professor trying to convince his students that global warming may eat them up before hey get home.
Unless, that is, they sink to heir knees and fervently repeat the Pledge of Pretty Vague Allegiance to Global Warming.
Lordy, I do believe.
Sounds Like Funny Talk
Even though the Left — which comprises 98 percent of the global warming halleluyah chorus — is known for its profound lack of humor, Seth Borenstein, a crusading science writer for the Associated Press for the last 3 years, is that inevitable exception.
Seth Baby is such an apostle of the movement known as Global Warming Won’t Let Any of Us Get Out of This World Alive, that until this afternoon, even his handlers believed him to be chuckle-challenged.
May I digress?
A month ago, the literarily dapper essayist George Will crafted a piece headlined, “What We Know About Global Warming: The New Is Always Bad.” As indicated, every single wave of fresh global warming “news” always has been dipped into a gooey vat of doomsday pessismism.
When global warming unaccountably flattens out, august journals such as The New York Times tell their readers, “Plateau in Temperatures Adds Difficulty to Task of Reaching a (Global Warming) Solution.” As Mr. Will notes, in quoting the Times, “The ‘diffculty’ is ‘building momentum’ for carbon reduction ‘when global temperatures have been relatively stable for a decade, and may even drop in the next few years.”
So, pal, how can you continue to sell the largest hoax of the last century when the darned weather won’t cooperate?
This is where the creativity of the Apostle Seth comes in hand.
Don’t Believe Your Eyes, Ears or Nose
In a story released this afternoon, Mr. Borenstein — who has devoted many of his 48 years to proving that global warming is the No. 1 threat on the planet — pretends that words are pliable as cookie dough.
Instead of reasoning his way through inconvenient facts, he tells his readers that even though a survey of “independent statisticians,” bought and paid for by the Associated Press, shows the world is cooling, cooling really means warming.
I guess good means bad. Fast means slow. If only I had realized this a few marriages ago, I could have saved a major wedding expenses, not to mention child support.
The core lesson hammered into our thick craniums every day by enlightened dwarves such as Mr. Borenstein is that, if Los Angeles faces blizzard conditions every day for the next 14 years — global warming still is going to kill us, though probably not for at least 14 years.
While it is not known if Mr. Borenstein has cheated on his significant other, you know what he would tell her if she found him in a defenseless pose: Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?
Taking his Captain Video People Like Me Finder, Mr. Borenstein wrote that while the temps are cooling, blow it off. Ain’t really so. He unearthed a retired old man who affirmed his fantasties.
And the Apostle Seth quotes:
“Saying there's a downward trend since 1998 is not scientifically legitimate, said David Peterson, a retired Duke University statistics professor and one of those analyzing the numbers. Identifying a downward trend is a case of “people coming at the data with preconceived notions,” said Peterson, author of the book ‘Why Did They Do That? An Introduction to Forensic Decision Analysis.’”
Nah, Mr. Peterson did not have a preconceived notion, did he?
Here is another pip of an Apostle Seth line:
“Global warming skeptics base their claims on an unusually hot year in 1998. Since then, they say, temperatures have dropped — thus, a cooling trend. But it’s not that simple.”
Naturally, because if we stopped here, we would have to admit we have been feeding you a hoax.
I hope Mr. Borenstein cheats on his wife some night. I will hold my breath awaiting his innovative defense. “She looked so much like you, Honey, I thought it was you.”
