I thank God for not making me a liberal because then I would have to be funny daily instead of one time a year.
If you are beholden to the Los Angeles Times every morning, as I am, that crack doubtless sparked visions of Hector (Oh, Please Take Me Seriously) Tobar. He wrote an unintentional knee-slapper today, as his knee-slappers commonly are.
Take my hand, dear reader, and we shall walk slowly into the dimly lighted looney bin that soberly serves as Mr. Tobar’s liberal style of rationalizing.
In their latest campaign of puerile mockery, the dubious Mr. Tobar and his shrinking silly-putty employer have been stomping their penny loafers for a fortnight over a dreadful misreading of a law.
Since the last week in April, the I Hate Arizona for Any Reason That Occurs to Me stories in the Times have been stacking up higher than the old Getty Museum on PCH.
Who Cares What the People Want?
Even though most Arizonans (70 percent) and most Americans (60 percent) endorse what state Sen. Russell Pearce and Gov. Jan Brewer have done, the Times goes to press every night hoping to assassinate Arizona’s anti-illegal immigration law.
The law still is in the womb. It is not scheduled to take force until mid-summer.
As for the regrettable Mr. Tobar, he explains that his mother, a naturalized citizen for 39 years, is contemplating a trip to Arizona. However, she is entertaining second, fifth and eighth thoughts. As a God-fearing woman, she is terrified — if Swish will forgive the unhealthy term — that them there cowboys and hillbillies in Arizona will arrest her, hitch her to a donkey wagon and drag her aging, easily broken body off to unique incarceration, never to be heard from.
Now you know whom to blame for Mr. Tobar’s, shall we say, slightly lagging cerebral apparatus?
His mother is living in her native Guatemala, the essayist explains, because it is cheaper for her to live there as a retiree than in God’s country.
I find that a little peculiar. But that is the reading that most left-wingers register on my meter, even before they speak. Do you wonder why we hardly ever elect a left-wing President anymore?
I Love the U.S. or Do I?
Mr. Tobar says his mother (who reportedly said, “Boy, do I love these particular United States of this fantabulous America? Not really”) “travels frequently to the U.S.”
Hector, pal, splain me, please. If your mama fled back home to that garden spot of the Western Hemisphere, sexy, verdant Guatemala, for financial reasons, how in the world can she afford to fly back and forth so often?
Logic is the arch-enemy of liberal thinkers.
I digress.
Mr. Tobar quotes his mama as worrying: “I don’t want to take the risk that they’ll hear my accent, look at me suspiciously and take away my U.S. passport, thinking that it is false.”
Mr. Tobar says his mother’s written and spoken English is unassailable. But that is not insufficient, because a liberal always has to be angry about something, even if he has to make it up, which brings us back to his mama.
I am not surprised Mr. Tobar’s mama is so tragically misled about Arizona’s new law. It is perfectly logical if her only exposure to “news” everyday is in Pravda by the Pacific. Shoot, if the Times were my only exposure, I would have voted at least three times for Swish Obama, I would have spat upon Prop. 8 advocates, and I would name my next four children Eric Holder, Holder Eric, Eric Eric Holder and Eric Eric Holder Holder. If we had a fifth, he would be called Cigarette Holder, without a Chaplin or Hitler moustache. Finally, I would sink to my knees in humble homage — not to be confused with the old KHJ DJ Humble Harv — before the feet of every illegal immigrant in Los Angeles, if the lovely illegal didn’t club me over the head first.
The old lady used to live in Sedona. Mr. Tobar’s punchline, to his credit, is that he advised her to take the positive advice of her former neighbors with whom he spoke and spend next month with them in Arizona.
A neighbor named Rodriguez told Mr. Tobar “it’s important not to surrender to fear.”
But what the misguided neighbor neglected to tack on to his statement to the even more misguided Mr. Tobar is that this nonsensical atmosphere of petrified fear has been cooked up entirely by angryliberals (yes, that is one word).
