[img]396|left|Alex Campbell||no_popup[/img] Recently I’ve gotten into watching cooking shows on TV. Since I don’t have a real kitchen, only a kitchenette, I don’t have the space to cook properly.
I can live out my fantasy of being a pseudo gourmet by watching the men and women who cook on the small screen. They make it look so easy.
The first thing you need to be a cook is an enormous kitchen that is stocked with the latest in high-end appliances.
There should be plenty of space to walk around, and no piles of papers, prescription drug bottles or candy bars on the counters.
You should also have every kitchen gadget known to man. This includes a juicer, a nutmeg scraper and lots of little bowls. The bowls are for you to put the ingredients in so you don’t have to use the containers from which they originally came.
It looks so much nicer that way.
How Do You Feel About You?
Perhaps the most important thing you’ll need to be a good chef is a healthy ego. These people go on and on about how good their food is. Perhaps I’m still used to the way it was back in Japan, where I lived for a year.
In Japan, when giving a homemade gift, the giver would say something like, “I made this. It’s not good.” It could be any homemade gift, but food was common.
I’d get the most beautiful cake, decorated with little tufts of whipped cream and fresh strawberries, laid out on a hand-cut doily, and the baker would say, “I can’t bake.” I used to laugh, but now I wish we Americans had a little of that modesty. It sounds more polite than what I hear on the Food Channel.
“Oh, don’t these potatoes look just scrumptious!”
“If you could smell this steak right now, your mouth would just water. Yes, it would!”
“Isn’t this the most beautiful cake you have ever seen?”
“Mmm, this tastes soooo good.”
The food preparers never make mistakes, and their timing is always impeccable. Just once, I would like to see a cook burn something because he or she was distracted by the cat coughing up a hairball.
Not One Flaw?
At the end of the show, the cook usually presents the meal to a group of friends who eat it and gush about how tasty it is. It would be so funny if one of the friends took a bite and said, “Um, this doesn’t taste quite right.”
And then the cook would check the date on the carton of cream and discover it went bad two weeks ago. I’m not saying anyone should get sick. Just make it a little less perfect.
I’d like to have my own cooking show in my studio apartment. I’ve got a two-burner hotplate, a microwave and a toaster. When I want to go gourmet, I bust out the George Foreman grill. I have 17 inches of counter space.
Hi, everyone, welcome to “At Home with Alexandra!”
Now, before we get started, I’ll prep my space. I’ll take everything off the counter to make room. I’ve just sold my dining room table to my neighbors so that I’ll have more floor space. So I’ll put the water pitcher and wooden spoon crock here on the coffee table.
Whoops! Gotta move those papers. Hold on. There’s that CD I was looking for!
Okay, now that I’ve cleared the space, I can put the toaster here on the counter and put the George Forman grill where the toaster was. Plug in the grill, and wait for the light to beep. Then take the boneless chicken strips you’ve been marinating in salad dressing, throw some Mrs. Dash on them, and stick ‘em on the grill.
We’ll also be cooking some organic frozen vegetables. Put a half-cup of water in a pot to boil, but wait until the grill is finished, because if you turn on the grill and the hot plate at the same time, you might blow a fuse.
Hasn’t happened yet, but that’s because I’m careful (wink at the camera)!
When you hear the beep again, the chicken is done. Put it on a plate and cover it with another plate so that it stays warm while you make the vegetables.
Stick the chicken plate in the microwave, because that’s the only place where there’s room. Boil the vegetables for however long it says to on the bag, and when they’re done, drain them and add them to the chicken plate.
Hmm, is the chicken really done?
I’ll just cut the pieces in half to be sure. Whew! I don’t see any pink, it must be okay. Now, the vegetables might taste a little bland, but that’s because I haven’t figured out what to put on them to make them taste better. They’re organic, that’s the most important thing.
For dessert, you’ve got a choice of Fig Newman’s, which is the healthy alternative to Fig Newton’s, or a Snickers bar. A cup of decaf tea with milk and sugar makes for a perfect ending to a pretty good meal.
Thanks for watching, folks! Tune in next time, when I rate five different boxes of macaroni and cheese.
On Second Thought
Having a cooking show would be very stressful. I think I’ll just order out tonight.
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at campbellalexandra@hotmail.com
