[img]560|left|Nicholas Pollak||no_popup[/img]Divorce. An ugly word with many negative associations.
I’ve been through one, my brother has been through one, and I am sure that many of you out there also have been through one.
To most, there really is nothing good about it.
It costs money, sometimes all you have. Children suffer, and often they are mentally scarred for life. Both adults are left bruised, battered, resentful and bitter, though admittedly for the rare few the result of the divorce was everything they could have hoped for.
It seems to me that the only people who really benefit are the attorneys. (No surprise there.)
What happened? How could two people who were so much in love end up as bitter enemies with huge chips on their shoulders?
Why, How Opposites Attract
It is an immutable law of nature that opposites attract. So the very things that attracted a couple to each other in the first place become the very things that drive them apart.
Here is a story of opposites attracting.
John, a successful accountant, was sitting quietly at a party his friend was having. He was in a corner, slightly detached from the action, just observing what was happening around him, quietly sipping his wine. He was conservatively dressed in casual clothes.
Joan arrived a few minutes later and quickly became the life of the party. She saw John the moment she came in. She started to make her way across the room toward him, hugging everyone along the way, joining in conversations, laughing, making jokes.
She was the center of attention wherever she stopped to socialize. Dressed in the latest fashion with expensive jewelry, her clothes allowed for plenty of cleavage and leg to be seen.
Well, why not? A successful real estate agent, she enjoyed the rewards of her success.
It Was Mutual — for Awhile
Little by little, she made her way over to John, sat down and started talking with him.
She immediately found him attractive. She liked his cool demeanor, his air of calm, his conservative grooming and clothing style, and his willingness to listen to what she had to say.
By the same token, John was immediately attracted to her — from the moment she entered the room. Her air of confidence, her ability to talk to everyone, to involve everyone in her conversations, her revealing fashion style, her intelligence and the attention that she paid to him.
They talked about their work, current affairs, sports and other interests. They appeared to have a lot in common.
They started to date. After a few weeks they became intimate. Before long they married.
Within three months, they began to realize that they were not suited to each other. Shortly, they divorced.
The behaviors illustrated above and those that follow can be for either the male or the female. If you are a woman and identify with the male characteristics, accept that the behaviors are similar. Just the gender is different. If your are a male and you identify with the female characteristics, accept that the behaviors are similar, and just the gender is different.
Why They Came Unstitched
When John first saw Joan, he felt she embodied all the social graces that he lacked.
For Joan, John had quiet confidence and an ability to sit quietly in a crowd, remaining observant, detached and alone. These traits were things that she felt uncomfortable doing because she needed to be around people and actively involved with them.
However, they both recognized that their “oppositeness” was complementary to each other. As they dated, they found that they filled up each other’s “empty” spots.
Even though they thought they were communicating, they find out that they actually weren’t.
Both John and Joan loved sports. Unfortunately, John liked golf, tennis, skiing, scuba diving. Joan loved all team sports. When they wanted to go to a sports event, neither really enjoyed the other’s sports. So they stopped attending events together.
John would spend a lot of time working, while Joan wanted time with her family and friends/
Once again, they did not attend events together.
The sexual relationship was great at first but then John seemed to have cooled. He only wanted sex every three days, when Joan would be happy to have sex three times a day every day.
Resentment began to build. She felt frustrated and unloved.
Joan started to complain to John that he was inattentive toward her, upsetting John because he was working a lot to enable him to provide things for Joan that she would like. This was one of the major ways he expressed his caring for her.
Joan pushed harder. In the end, this just pushed John further away until he perceived her as a whiny and dependent. He lost all respect for her.
Joan began to feel completely rejected. She made even stronger attempts to win back John’s favors. But these attempts only further push John away.
John felt he no longer could deal with a whiny, clingy person, and he started an affair with an administrative assistant at work.
When Joan found out, she was so hurt she left and filed for divorce.
Know How You Are Different
It is important in any relationship to acknowledge each other’s “oppositeness,” to be clear on the reasons you were attracted to the person in the first place.
Make sure topics you talk about are not just surface, but more detailed so you can gain a clear idea of the other person’s likes and dislikes. Be sure there is a crystal clear foundation upon which you can build a solid relationship.
Make sure each of you understands the other’s sexual needs. Learn to compromise as to frequency, always remembering to compliment and show appreciation to your partner, making the person feel loved even without the sex. Also, know when your partner needs space.
Offer it without complaint. Understand that each of us is different with different needs.
Find out what your partner’s are and accommodate those differences, providing they are not extreme or unreasonable.
Also know that the behaviors that your partner possesses are within you too.
In other words we all have dominant behaviors and sub-dominant behaviors.
The dominant are the ones that attracted you in the first place. The sub-dominant are the same as you partner’s dominant behaviors, which, when you understand them in your partner, you can find them within yourself. This will enable both of you to understand why each acts the way you do.
Good luck.
A clinical hypnotherapist, handwriting analyst and certified master hypnotist, Nicholas D. Pollak may be contacted at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net
