After losing a series of elections — shhh, the Los Angeles Titanic has warned us not to remind voters — the aging Bald Retread, who looks as if he missed his own funeral last week, has constructed a foolproof strategy for repeating as governor of California.
The map:
• Appoint the journalistic whores at the Titanic to be your putative campaign managers, with an accent on creative, acidly partisan research, and
• Seduce — this was the easiest chore of all — a chorus of labor union leaders into underwriting your campaign with tens of millions of dollars to cover all the print and electronic advertising you will need.
Nothing, then, is left for the Bald Retread to do except lean back on his creaking shoulders and listen to the sweet humming of this ethically handicapped coalition purring down the highway, unimpeded, to the governor’s mansion Sacramento.
As if an uber-liberal in California has to do more than breathe to win a campaign, Bald’s to-do list between now and his Victory Party on Nov. 2 has been reduced to a single assignment, sleeping without snoring.
Instead of paying a college kid to script clever campaign speeches, Bald only has to tell audiences “Read today’s edition of the Titanic.”
Yesterday morning, for the second time in a week, the Titanic chapter of Boobs for Bald tried again to clumsily sandbag Ms. Whitman. Previously virtually unknown, she must be doing reasonably well against the old man because the worried Titanic slammed her with two attack stories on Sunday, back-to-back. The day before, as part of their perpetual class war against the successful, they directed their toy assassin, Saturday columnist Tim Rutten, to rhetorically ravage Ms. Whitman for spending so darned much of her own money on her own campaign. How dare she. What a thoughtless slug, Mr. Rutten gently concluded.
Here Are the Real Bullets
But the two principal weekend attention-snatchers in the Titanic — a repository of dishonest reporting — arrived in separate stories. In each instant, the journalist descended into a seething, fang-baring attack dog. Each took it upon himself to viciously plaster Ms. Whitman to prove obscure, highly debatable points. Both overwritten reports were marked by extreme convolution.
Since the early 1990s, businesses have been fleeing California because of oppressive taxes while strangled regulations imposed by Sacramento. Wrong, says the Titanic. After Ms. Whitman tells audiences we must do something to keep valued enterprises from leaving the state, the Titanic reporter, in 29 longwinded paragraphs, says, brilliantly, feh.
He asserts that Ms. Whitman, green as the grass you don’t smoke, is dead wrong when she advocates aggressive new economic policies to prevent corporations and smaller businesses from leaving California. There is no cure, the reporter argues. We are helpless. California’s destiny is totally controlled by factors outside of the state. The reporter scolds Ms. Whitman for her naiveté, saying that:
• She should know the governor is powerless to encourage businesses to remain in California.
• She should know that that California’s long-running economic woes are entirely the fault of Washington policies, that state government is blameless.
This, dear reader, is rewriting history with stunning brazenness.
Next: Equally committed to helping the Bald Retread flatten Ms. Whitman, essayist Cathy Decker rewrote a smear of the GOP candidate that the Titanic has used about five times in the last seven days even though its basis is entirely dubious. Too arcane to report in detail, it concerns CNN reporting 18 years ago that the Bald Retread, then running for President, had hiked taxes during his first governorship. Ms. Whitman has been using that report. Never too shameless to sucker punch the hated opposition, the other week, the Titanic now belatedly and flimsily claims the CNN tax-hike assertion was wrong. Therefore, the newspaper contends, Ms. Whitman is telling lies about her rival.
Use Whatever Will Fly
How is that for deliberately spinning the truth into an unrecognizable mess? The Titanic’s daily goal is to sow doubt seeds about Ms. Whitman so that voters will go with the known name in the race, their boy.
More brazenly than a whore praying in the first row of your church, the Titanic has assumed charge of his opposition research, engineering all of his campaign dirty tricks, while carefully insuring that all campaign coverage is glowingly positive.
The heat-packing tomcats from the morally marginal labor unions are paying upwards of $20 million so far for Bald’s bodyslamming commercials.
You see, this way Bald’s toadstools can call his GOP rival vulgar names while Bald flashes his vanilla palms for the camera boys and chirps, mellifluously, “My hands are clean, guys. I didn’t call nobody no names.”
By dint of the newspaper’s painstakingly selective investigative journalism, we can scarcely tabulate the number of Republicans whom the Titanic shrewdly has saved this summer from voting for Ms. Whitman.
She is a liar.
Doesn’t everyone know that?
Who says so?
The Titanic’s crack reporters. Their invulnerable reports are amplified and echoed in a noisy series of anti-Whitman (not pro-Brown) commercials paid for by the labor union boys who guaranteed Bald, “We have as much money as you will ever need, Jerry.”
Who said unionists don’t tell the truth?
