A couple came to my office the other day whom I had met at a social gathering a couple of weeks before.
When I had analyzed their handwriting, I told them what I felt were their issues. They were amazed at the accuracy of the analysis, intrigued enough to come to my office for a session.
They arrived at the appointed time with their 14-month-old toddler in hand. I noticed straight away they intended to use the baby as a shield, as an excuse to not focus on the issues, to allow themselves to be distracted whenthey did not approve of something being said.
My adorable wife seized upon the opportunity to take charge of the toddler.
They appeared to settle into their therapeutic stances. They had been through many couples sessions over the past five year, and they were prepared again to do therapeutic battle.
The wife was angry at the husband because, four days prior to their marriage, he presented her with a prenuptial agreement, stating that the house he had just bought with his hard earned money was his and his alone. She would have no stake in it.
Why He Was Offended
He was hurt by her attitude. All he was trying to do was to protect himself, he said, since she had walked out on him four times during their relationship. She felt she could be thrown out at any time, with no recourse, no place to live.
She said their issue was trust. If he really loved her, he would have put her name on the house. Failing to do so meant that he did not love her.
Both had a laundry list of grievances, that overwhelmed their ability to think positively. They were consumed with each other’s negative feelings. They had forgotten the reason why they married in the first place.
They communicated well. But it had a forced air. They learned to do so by rote through countless counseling sessions.
I listened until I could not take it any more.
He was upset he was not receiving enough attention, she because he was becoming clingy and whiny. She was losing respect for him.
All of this combined with the fact there was almost no intimacy.
We talked about why they married in the first place, what their mutual goals were and what they hoped to achieve as individuals within their marriage and careers.
I reminded them that what they had accomplished to date was causing them to drift apart. Neither wanted to help the other achieve his or her individual goals.
How to Shrink the Main Impediment
Once they began to see what had happened, the block became a small obstacle. They realized the obstacle was just a small hitch in their overall objective. Soon they began to communicate, from a thinking level, not a feeling level.
They stopped squabbling and focused on their goals. Intimacy and affection for one another returned.
Both understood their behaviors were neither bad or good, which helped their tolerance for each other’s quirks become less reactive.
In previous therapies, they never had learned about each other’s behaviors, the dominant and sub-dominant behaviors.
Every person has physical and emotional behaviors. Once we understand what each means, once we see which parts are physical and emotional, an understanding of ourselves and others begins to grow.
Because we have both, we recognize those features within our partners. The result is we are able to recognize what makes each of us act the way we do. This creates clearer communication.
Once the recognition is clear, the couple begins to act from a higher functioning thinking level, leading to a much improved relationship.
A clinical hypnotherapist, handwriting analyst and expert master hypnotist, Nicholas Pollak may be contacted at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net
