Alexandra Vaillancourt

Dateline Boston — All week long I had the topic of my essay in my head. It was perfect. Simple, straightforward, to the point. Until now, when I actually started typing it out. More on that at the end. For now, here’s what was in my head all week:

Dateline Boston — It’s really hard to have a dead mother. The other night I had a dream that my mom and I were making plans to go somewhere, and we had to figure out the logistics. Even though it was a pain to decide where we were going to meet and what time, I was looking forward to it. Then I woke up and realized, once again, that my mom and I wouldn’t be going anywhere. Ever. I hate knowing that.

Dateline Boston — How does it feel to get old? I assume you’re the same inside your head, but your body just changes. Or does something happen at certain ages to make you less carefree in your head than you were when you were younger? Well, I guess I know the answer to that. Life experience makes one more cautious.

Dateline Boston — I’m trying to relax. In addition to doing a yoga DVD for old people, I’m trying guided meditation. A good friend of mine recommended a podcast to try. They say it works best with headphones, and you don’t have to sit, you can lie down. Sounded good to me. I tried it.

Dateline Boston — I went to a back specialist awhile ago; he ran me through a series of tests. They were a little weird, but I did everything Dr. Back asked me to — “Put your arms up here, touch my hands, bend down and touch your toes without bending your knees, bend at the waist to the left…” When I was finished, Dr. Back said, “Well, you’re not the most flexible person in the world.” Right.

Dateline Boston — Can we talk about eyelashes? There seems to be a shortage these days. Not of eyelashes, per se, but eyelash length. And thickness. Apparently, women all over America are running around with inadequate, short, thin, and straight lashes. It seems to be a crisis.

Dateline Boston — I think I get it. You’re sending me a message to take it easy. Relax. I must be really thick-headed that you’d get so drastic. Let’s see…in the fall, I had a recurrent sinus infection. In the winter, I took a trip to the ER with back spasms. Now it’s spring, and this season’s malady is a doozy: shingles.

Dateline Boston — I watch a lot of TV. Most of what I watch is purely entertainment. Some of it is really bad. Since I spend many hours focusing on my flat screen, I feel qualified to make some suggestions on how to improve what people watch. In no particular order:

Dateline Boston — What do you find creepy? Spiders? Mouldy bread? That guy who hangs out at the laundromat on Friday nights? Here’s what I think is creepy: meat preparation. Elective plastic surgery. Hairs on a bar of soap.

Dateline Boston — “My cat Shelby should have been a bloodhound, or maybe a top chef. I know cats have a keen sense of smell, but there are times when she goes after a scent like she’s a drug addict gunning for her next fix.