Re “Visit to the ENT”
[img]958|left|Alex Campbell||no_popup[/img]Dateline Boston — I had a fluttering feeling in my left ear for about a month. It started out feeling like a tic. Then I switched to a buzzy feeling, as if there were a bug in my ear, flapping its wings furiously. A few days later, it changed again, feeling like a kitten purring in Morse Code. It started happening all day, every day. I made an appointment to see my doctor. She was on vacation, so I saw her colleague who also happened to be a specialist of infectious diseases. We talked about my ear, she took notes, and looked in my ear with the tool she had. She said that the best thing to do would be to see an ear, nose and throat specialist. He would have the proper instruments for looking in my ear more carefully. She then noted that it appeared I had a positive tuberculosis test in 2001; did I know anything about that? Hmm, 10 years ago. I was preparing to go to Japan, I knew that. Doctor didn’t respond. I said that I had sensitive skin, could that…? She shook her head. No, that wouldn’t make a PPD come back positive. I couldn’t really remember anything significant about that test (boy, would I make a horrible witness on the stand!), and so Doctor Disease just said she’d follow up with my doctor. I headed to the desk to make an appointment with the ENT department.
When I arrived the next day, I had just missed an earthquake that had struck Virginia and could be felt at the doctor’s office, apparently. Half the building was standing outside in the parking lot. Not for long, though. I got through and went upstairs to get my hearing tested. An earthquake outside was not going to deter me from finding out the cause of the one going on inside my ear.
The woman who took me into the testing room was not the same one who had tested my hearing a few years ago. When my results came back, she compared the two tests and said they were the same. I couldn’t help but remark that I was still surprised I didn’t have bionic hearing. She noted the name of my previous tester, and I said, “Yes, she was a young woman.” Why I felt the need to remark on the tester’s age, I have no idea. I think I’m feeling old these days.
My hearing seemed fine, so I went in to see the ENT doctor. I prayed it wouldn’t be the same robot-man I had had before; the hearing tester said there were two ENTs working that day. I waited in the torture chair, and a few minutes later the doctor walked in. Lo and behold, it was the same Mr. Personality who had tortured me five years ago! My heart sank. I almost had a panic attack.
He asked me how old I was, and why I had come in to see him. I told him I was 43 and that I remembered him from a few years ago. I told him that I had a fluttering in my left ear, and asked him if he could examine me without sticking that thing in my nose. I started rambling on about how my last visit was so memorable that I had written an essay about it. I said that I’d never forget that instrument he put in my nose. He responded by telling me that if he didn’t use that instrument, it wouldn’t be a thorough exam. He smiled at me wickedly.
He sat down to take some notes. I asked him if all of his patients freaked out like I did. He paused for a beat, then said, “Not like this.” I retorted, “Not on their first visit, but on their second, when they know what’s coming!” He calmly ignored me and began the examination. It was similar to the previous one. I had to raise my eyebrows and purse my lips. I had to stick my tongue out and say, “Eee!” I had to resist his hand when he pushed it on either side of my face. Thank goodness, this time he didn’t stick his finger down my throat to make me gag.
Then came the dreaded moment. He said, and I saw a twinkle in his eye when he said it, “And now I’m going to examine your nose.” I cried hysterically, “Can you give me extra numbing stuff?” He said he would; he’d give me four squirts instead of the usual two or three. I thanked him. He squirted the stuff in my nose and said that I might feel it down my throat. I said, “I don’t care. I’ll drink it!” He showed some personality by laughing. I choked a little in my enthusiasm. He stuck that horrific instrument up my nose, and guess what? It wasn’t so bad. Probably because I had worked myself up so, and I had gotten the extra snuff.
When Doctor Daring finished his exam, he told me about the muscles in the inner ear, which to me had names that sounded like Greek gods. He said he suspected they were going into spasms. He sent me back to the hearing test lady to run one more test. She stuck some headphones in my ears and watched the machine for a line. My line came back wavy when it should have been straight. She tore off the results paper, which looked like a receipt. She handed it to the doctor, who said, “Interesting.” I said, “What? What does that mean? What’s the answer to my problem?” He said, “Your muscles are in spasm.” I asked him what the treatment was, and he said there was none. It would just go away on its own. SAY WHAT? I asked him how long I had to wait before making another appointment if the spasm didn’t go away. He said a month. He said he’d send a report to my doctor and breezed out of the room.
The next day, a friend told me to use my Neti pot to wash out my nose. She told me to do it every day for a few months and it should clear up. I did it for a day. Guess what? The fluttering was gone and has not returned. Guess I needed some material for my column. Let’s hope I don’t suddenly have stomach problems.
Ms. Campbell may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
