Home OP-ED Guess What I Have up My Sleeve

Guess What I Have up My Sleeve

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A coat of arms is the only coat our essayist is missing

Dateline Boston — How many jackets and coats do you have? I have 16. I live in New England, where, apparently, one needs outerwear for every possible weather event. I have four hoodie sweatshirts; three of them are from the children’s section. I bought each one when I was out somewhere and got a little chilly. Clothes in the children’s section are much cheaper than the ones in the adult section. If you are lucky enough to fit into a kid’s hoodie sweatshirt, you’ve got it made. My other hoodie I got for free. It’s an adult medium, which is really too big, but it’s hard to find a good hoodie. So when it was advertised to the first person who showed up at my neighbor’s house, I was there. I use hoodies like I used to use a bathrobe — comfy and warm over pajamas in the fall and winter.

I have three raincoats, one in a color I never had chosen, and never would choose again — light blue. The dirt shows, and I feel like a toddler. It was really expensive. I bought it 10 years ago as a treat for myself. I am looking forward to replacing it with a black one in the spring. The next raincoat is a gray trenchcoat for dressy occasions. It doesn’t have a hood, but it has a belt. Hot pink on the inside. My favorite raincoat was a Christmas present I asked for last year (meaning I sent Husband an email link and said “This is on sale now.”). This raincoat is black. It goes down to my knees, has an adjustable hood, and the best part is, it is lined with fleece. Perfect for those cold and rainy Boston days, although I also wore it through three blizzards last year with no problem. It’s warm and provides full coverage. It’s great when a gift is really just what you wanted.

I own two down items I got for $10 each. One is a black vest, and the other is a black jacket, size Child’s Medium. Both keep me warm when the weather is cold, but not freezing.

I Was Not Fleeced

Next up, we have the fleece jackets. Two of them are black, and one is leopard print. My favorite one I got in 2001. I remember because I got it in preparation for living in Japan. It’s faded, not as soft as it was when it was new, but I keep it because it’s boxy, not form fitting like women’s fleece jackets are today. The other black fleece I have was made in Japan. Very fluffy and soft. The arms are long, so I feel like a skinny gorilla when I wear it, but it’s perfect for an occasion like one I had a couple of weeks ago. I had to get a flu shot. I like to wear short sleeves when I get a shot, but it was chilly that morning. My solution? I wore my short-sleeved cashmere sweater with my fluffy fleece. Yes, people, I really do have a jacket for every situation (don’t get me started on my sweaters). I got my leopard fleece because the other two leopard print jackets I had just weren’t working for me. Leopard fleece is great for when you want to stand out. It doubles as a Halloween costume.

When the Weather Is Brrr

When it’s really cold, I wear the new down coat I got last year. It’s black, an adult size, and is fashionable. And expensive. Unfortunately, the fabric on the outside is rather thin, so if you accidentally brush up against something sharp, like a nail, after you’ve knocked a picture off the wall with your backpack, the fabric will rip, and your husband will tell you that there’s feathers coming out of your coat from somewhere. If your husband is handy, like mine, he will repair your coat with tent glue. No more hole, and just a shiny spot you can barely notice, unless you look at it every time you put your coat on.

I have a black leather jacket that an ex bought me because apparently I didn’t have anything fancy for when we went out. I’ve had it for over 10 years, and I think I’ve worn it seven times.

I have one burgundy jacket that I got for $5. Hoodless and very light. I will donate it after I finish writing this; it’s barely worth mentioning, but it’s hanging in my closet, so there you go.

The last coat I have is a black pea coat, also acquired for my year in Japan. I have worn that coat a handful of times, but it’s a classic, so it stays.

There you have it, all the coats in my closet. I am prepared for any event. Just try me. Earlier this week it was 35 degrees. Today it is going to be 72. Perfect for my blue windbreaker, but I don’t like it anymore, so I might wear my leopard fleece because I want to be noticed. Wrowr!

Ms. Vaillancourt may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com

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