Even though CNN does a dreadful job of presenting news and commentary — I shall explain momentarily — it still plunges me into a shallow pool of melancholy to see the old dowager tramping down the darkened streets in faux rags, foraging for food because the old girl can’t afford to stock her kitchen.
My conclusion: The public is fleeing CNN faster than Swish Obama is running away from his wafer-thick record of the last 23 months.
Only relatives tune in to CNN.
Why CNN Was No. 1
The reason for escaping is the same in both cases: America craves a strong and historic distaste for pretenders, which is what CNN has evolved into during the past decade after two decades of dominance. But that was before they had competition, when Ted Turner’s pulltoy was a novelty, like the iron horse.
The Fox News Channel is No. 1 on the cable planet (and soon may pass the old networks) for the same reason the Wall Street Journal is the No. 1 newspaper in America in circulation:
For possibly the first time in U.S. history, both of these huge media engines report the news precisely down the middle aisle, fair to a fault in both cases.
It is not a coincidence that the two giants happen to have conservative commentary sections. Many more Americans lean to the right than to the left. But they want their news served without favor, and that is what Fox and the Journal give them.
MSNBC has roared into second place, well behind Fox, but undisputedly the second choice of cable-watching Americans. The reason: They are as far to the left as Swishie. But MSNBC, featuring a lineup of nasty cads, is dead-on honest about their intentions. They ain’t within two states of being objective. And they are two tanks of gas to the left. But, friends, they tell the truth and admit the undeniable that they are 100 percent liberal.
By contrast, CNN resembles a briar patch that should only be inhabited by cartoon characters, starting with Bugs Bunny (Anderson Cooper) and ending with Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig.
He Feels So Muscular
Mr. Cooper, who is shlepping for the gay community a little too overtly these dreadful evenings, is the only gentleman in the building who takes himself seriously. A couple of nights ago when I was watching, Mr. Cooper donned what appeared to be a leftover Halloween mask and said that CNN is diligently trying to present the news in a fair, non-partisan manner. The laughter has not yet stopped. Saturday Night Live may mock Andy Baby.
The lightest weight in America knows that Andy Baby is lying. CNN is north of MSNBC. Only MS admits the truth. If you are left, be a man. Cop to it. By the darnedest coincidence, all of CNN’s anchors and 99 percent of their commentators are to the left of Uncle Joe Stalin. The worst because they are the mouthiest are Paul Begala and Roland Martin, two jokes worthy of permanent anonymity. Intellectually, they wear crewcuts.
The CNN trainwreck’s future is less clear that Swishie’s next dumb move.
Take Monday night. Larry King — do not ask who his guests were — drew his worst ratings in 10 years, the year 2000, when the embryonic Fox News Channel was becoming, if O’Reilly will forgive the exquisite pun, a nationwide factor.
Parker-Spitzer, CNN’s primetime showcase presentation at 8 o’clock Eastern time, is the worst idea since Ford thought up Edsel or Billy Carter removed the dead carrot from his puffy cheeks and huffed, “Jimmah, why don’t you show them folks up in Washington how a good ol’ boy runs this here country?”
Parker-Spitzer, whom the country does not know but offsets by not liking them, finished so far down in the ratings when they debuted last week, they were only in front of Lum and Abner, who went off the radio about 1944.
This week, we have been told, they are not doing as well.
CNN obviously is practicing the maxim engraved in the history books by President Garfield’s assassin: If you fail, don’t change anything. Keep doing the same thing over and over.
