Were it not for noble abstractions, for impenetrably dense, meaningless esoteric concepts — global warming, ending worldwide unfairness, ending all wars, ending all homelessness, ending all sickness, ending all poverty, ending all hunger, ending all religion (oops), redistribution of America’s wealth in an effort to end all richness, illegal immigration, racism, racial profiling, gender inequality, education gap, cultural gap, cultural education gap, cultural employment gap, cultural poverty gap, racial income gap, gender income gap and of course my favorite, shopping at the Gap — Democrats would not have any reason to run for office.
Another example of the left’s mindless descent into dufus-ness is eschewing mention of the radioactive term “abortion.” The icky word does not poll well. When that happens, the left pretends its word du jour died a sudden, unimportant death. Therefore, the left told all its acolytes to only say “women’s reproductive rights.”
The Gang That Can’t Talk Straight is having a bad century.
Whole World in My Hands
Take the laughable scam variously known as global warming, then climate change and Apocalypse Now.
Since none of these has worked, the boys on the left have thought up an even clumsier, more vague formulation, “global climate disruption.” Seriously. Johnny Holdren, President Obama’s far-out main medicine man, told a conference of global warmies in Norway last week that he was striving for greater precision because “global warming (oops again) isn’t merely about rising temperatures.” With CYA having displaced the CIA as Commandment No. 1 in President Boob’s administration, this latest lexiconic adjustment covers the boys on the left regardless of whether the mercury goes up or down. The mercury does not travel any other direction, does it?
Since we have the funniest hometown newspaper west of the Pecos, we learned yesterday the Comedy Channel might be withdrawn later this autumn for Los Angeles cable subscribers.
Boo Rich, Yeah for the Poor
This very morning, the Los Angeles Titanic declared at the top of Page A-1 that the most important story in the world was an astounding finding by that tower of titillating tabulation, the Census Bureau, of all unreliable bureaucratic boobs and boobettes, found that one in seven Americans lives below the poverty level, and one in five children. My word.
To prove the unassailable verity of its claims, the Titanic cited three pathetic persons’ plight — Susannah Evans of Ventura, Evadney Palmerston of Los Angeles and Sheila Richardson, address unknown, “unhoused,” as Santa Monicans like to say — as irrefutable validation that poverty exists.
The gal of the story was to convey to us disgustingly wealthy masses that if we had souls the size of the secular boys on the left, we would vacate our homes this morning and turn them over to people who really need a place to live.
(Quick, Murgatroyd, hide the newspaper before any empathetic liberals suicide themselves over this silly journalistic abstraction.)
We know who is President now during this earth-quivering crisis, right? This is the worst level of poverty, the Titanic tearfully told us, since — yep— Mr. Clinton was President in the ‘90s, which is heaping irrelevancy atop disconnectedness, a familiar vacuous pattern of the left.
For sheer goofiness, this report has few peers in the universe of left-wing doesn’t-this-break-your-darned-heart? stories.
Who needs the Comedy Channel when the Titanic serves us artificial bilge dressed up as data you should know about? If the Census Bureau were even slightly more efficient, my 4-year-old grandson could not have begun collecting his Social Security last Thursday. Did any of those other-worldly looking census takers blight your porch last spring? These are the statistics-collectors we are relying on?
Speaking of crucial data more vital than poverty:
Did you know one of every seven Americans would be accused of murder in his lifetime?
One of every six American males is a crossdressing vegan.
One of every seven married women beats her husband.
To prove that even Republicans have a heart, I have just torn up the $1,000 check I was going to mail off to Christine O’Donnell this morning.
In the name of Democrat fairness, why shouldn’t Christine suffer the way Susannah, Evadney and Sheila do every day? Sus, Evad and She could be millionaires today if only President Bush had not gone to war in Iraq, it says here.
