I have been working with two clients, both individually and as a couple.
The wife was raised in a physically and mentally abusive environment, forced to leave home at the age of 12 and to fend for herself.
Her husband’s mother abruptly abandoned him, coincidentally at 12. He was placed in a variety of foster homes until, at 18, he went out on his own.
Married for 25 years, the wife wanted to leave because she felt she had been dealing with mental abuse throughout their marriage.
Her husband would not listen to her ideas, she said, keeping her a virtual prisoner in their home, not letting her see any of her friends and sabotaging her attempts to find work.
He Is Totally in Charge
He would not even allow her to have a computer so she could do work through the internet. When she bought a broken computer requiring minor repairs, he blocked her.
The husband did not want to lose his wife, a constant fear, the driving factor for him in their relationship. He was afraid if he let his wife leave the house she would abandon him as his mother had.
But he was stifling his wife and destroying their marriage.
During individual sessions, it became clear what was going wrong. I was unable to address their issues until the first joint session.
A wise old saying applied here: We tend to work toward the very things we don’t want to happen.
It is rather like the pothole in the street. All too often we see it, decide to avoid it, but pass over it anyway.
How We Get Into Trouble
We become so scared of what we are trying to avoid that we focus on it to the extent we forget to focus on what would help us to avoid these concerns.
The couple had been working from a false premise. The wife was not experiencing any kind of abuse. But because of her upbringing, she could not perceive the world or her relationship in any other way than how she had been raised. She was self-protective, defensive, argumentative and paranoid about her husband’s motives in what he did for her or for himself.
The husband was operating from his fear of abandonment, which created jealousy, fear of intimacy, possessiveness and a strong need to control his wife.
He needed to know what she was doing at all times to reduce his worry that she would have an affair or leave him.
Much more outgoing than her husband, being kept at home was oppressive for her.
He was quiet, more reserved. In demanding full control, he reasoned that since he was the sole breadwinner, everything should go the hisway.
A recipe for disaster.
How they lasted for 25 years was a testament to their individual determination.
“Do you love your partner?” I asked both.
Emphatically, they answered “yes.”
With this as a starting point, I was able to point out to them how they could turn their relationship around and save their marriage.
I explained to them the nature of Physical and Emotional behaviors, how their oppositeness not only was what attracted but was now destroying them.
Baggage from their childhood also made them respond as if they were the protagonists from their childhood.
They were not living what was happening. They merely were continuing to relive what had happened when they were younger.
We talked about what they wanted in their careers. It became clear again, that they were not working together but were in fact sabotaging each other without even realizing it.
I explained that in marriage both partners helped each other in their careers to achieve success.
The success spills into their marriage. Subsequently, their joint wealth increases along with their self-confidence and self-esteem, leading to a healthier relationship.
Together as a couple, they can move forward, recognizing each is able to be an individual success but most importantly, a happy, thriving, productive couple. They will share their happiness and prosperity with each other and their friends.
Be supportive of one another, I told them. Ensure that you work hard.
Remember, you are not each other’s child or parent. You are equal partners in a relationship you have chosen.
A clinical hypnotherapist, handwriting analyst and expert master hypnotist, Nicholas Pollak may be contacted at nickpollak@hypnotherapy4you.net
