Yearning to be the first President of the United States whose name ends in a vowel, Mr. Villaraigosa stumbled upon a toy so perfect on Tuesday and Wednesday that even a smart PR guy like Geoff Maleman could not have dreamed it up.
Cooperstown or Culver City?
This one belongs in the Ill Do Anything for Media Attention Hall of Fame.
The clincher is, the darned story is true.
While outgoing Los Angeles School Board member David Tokofsky, behaving like a bumbling loser, was falling into a bucket of bees across town, remarking that Westchester used to be a haven for the Ku Klux Klan and Nazi sympathizers, the mayor was giving lessons how to be a winner.
Shoot It Again, Sam
On Tuesday, the Villaraigosa (We Never Slow up, We Never Close) Bandwagon boarded an MTA bus, boarded an MTA bus, boarded an MTA bus (they posed for as many takes as the photographers needed)downtown to ride to the Santee Education Complex in dangerous South Central.
Every morning, the mayor begins with a single, laser-focused goal.
He sets out to show the surviving skeptics of his flamboyant tactics and slow learners such as Mr. Tokofsky how the Master of Fluff plays the Los Angeles media as if he were Liberace and they were a toy piano.
Old Navy or Gap?
The latest spectacularly unqualified LAUSD Superintendent yes, Murgatroyd, but at least he is black, which should be worth points for the dopey disciples of diversity was invited to join the circus for one day only.
In his first weeks as Super of all that Laura McGaughey did not govern across this metropolis, Admiral David Brewer is being addressed (I think affectionately) as Admiral, rather than Mr. Brewer.
I assume this is to keep his career title fresh in his own mind in anticipation of the day he will be unceremoniously tossed out on his inexperienced tush.
An Illegal Here, An Illegal There
The brassy-eyed Villaraigosa Bandwagon, which had the feel of a Presidential cavalcade, noisily spun past the mayors beloved downtrodden, illegal constituents who were crowded into the grimey streets of downtown.
Where the We Never Close Bandwagon was headed, though, the scenery was more treacherous. Welcome to Gangland, boys and girls, and this aint no joke. People die daily, for real, and never of natural causes, in the Wild West section of South Central.
The Ralph Kramden Bus Company?
This brings us to the MTA, which is becoming more hated than a Republican in Culver City. The bus company finally did something right last month, responding to an emergency plea from Santee students.
The MTA plotted a bus route to carry frightened Santee students who fear walking to campus through the meanest streets of surrounding South Central neighborhoods.
As the Villaraigosa Bandwagon bus was merrily tooling toward the year and a half old Santee campus, the bussie committed a stupid mistake. He came to a signal light stop.
Here Comes Da Punk
One of the enterprising scholars enrolled at Santee, doing what any enterprising scholar would do when he sees a bus parked at attention, reached for his handy-dandy jumbo crayon and began scrawling the names of his beloved ancestors on a window of said bus.
The enterprising scholars standing in the academic community was about to take a hit. An equally enterprising photographer from the Los Angeles Times snapped the dummys picture.
Shot With Blinding Speed
From this photo, that ran at the top of Page 1 yesterday, Helen Keller could have identified the punk. The smart taggers show their mettle by spreading their gospel of graffiti under cover of darkness.
This punk did his dirty deed in the sunlight.
Mr. Villaraigosa reacted brilliantly to the punks bold attack.
Stop the bus, nail the kid, he ordered.
Disappointingly, he was overruled by the LAUSD lunatics he was hanging with.
Are They Disbarred Teachers?
These doddering educators feared that stopping would snarl traffic.
Are you kidding me?
Like a wrinkle never occurs in Los Angeles weekday traffic?
Shall We Send Them to Rehab?
That is why they are educators, because they have no contact with or understanding of real people.
Anyway, later on, Santee officials caught up with the punk. Here is where this tale of tepidity gets juicy.
Ill Cry Tomorrow
By scribbling bilge on the windows of the mayors bus in the sunlight, the astute principal shrewdly concluded the 15-year-old punk was emitting a cry for help. My father used to say that if I did something like that, he would only entertain cries for help after he had properly disciplined me.
No, Ill Cry Today
Clearly a genius at the art of Political Follow-up When the Cameras Are Running, Mr. Villaraigosa monitored the capture of the helpless child.
Learned hand that he is at the peculiar science of therapy, the mayor agreed with the principal that instead of gunning down the kid on the spot, coddling was called for.
Whatta Guy, Whatta Humanitarian
Im willing to mentor him personally, the generous mayor confided, softly, to a clutch of hometown reporters in the Valley yesterday, rejecting offers to make a wider announcement before the U.N. General Assembly or the Pakistani parliament. I dont have time to comment further. I will be busy the next few minutes designing a heros wreath of flowers to crown the heroic head of the mayor.
As the Sultan of Sacrifice, the mayor is an inspiration to busy people everywhere, taking time out from his busy hourly run for the White House to mentor a punk who should be spanked and sent to bed without his dinner.
The Mayor Shoots He Scores
The mayor wins again, oh skeptical people.
Cunningly, he milked the incident for one more day in the media, accompanied by his picture, to remind people of what he looks like while he is off mentoring the Santee kid for the next 4 or 5 years.
My Hero
As the so-far-spurned czar of LAUSD, Mr. Villaraigosa sure as heck would inspire me if I were lucky enough to become his student. What a scholar he is. He has failed the bar exam 4 times so far but then this is only Thursday.
