[img]1325|left|||no_popup[/img] Dateline Boston – The movie Les Miserables certainly lived up to its name. I went in expecting so much, and came away with so little. That’s not entirely true. I came away with many ideas for an essay; I wrote this in my head during the torturous three hours I had to sit in that theater. Of course it had to be three hours, because you just knew every song from the Broadway production had to be included. No intermissions here! I didn’t even have any popcorn.
This movie was actually many movies in one; I’ll name them all as I go along. WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! Here’s what happens: Hugh Jackman steals some bread to feed his nephew, and is persecuted for it for the next thirty years. Anne Hathaway was excellent, both with her acting and singing through choking tears. I really felt for her. I even downloaded her version of “I Dreamed a Dream” (I’m listening to it on repeat as I write this, to get in the mood). It was sort of spoken choking word/singing. She’s a dying factory worker who’s a prostitute on the side. She tries to do right by her illegitimate daughter Cosette, whom she gives to an innkeeper and his wife, played by Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter (Sweeney Todd). The audience laughed out loud to see Borat on the big screen again. They don’t treat Cosette well. They have their own daughter, whose name I thought was Ebony. In fact, the only person whose name I remembered in this whole movie was Cosette.
Somehow Hugh Jackman becomes mayor of a small town and tells Anne Hathaway that he’ll take care of Cosette. Anne dies, and Hugh takes Cosette and raises her, moving from place to place so he won’t get busted by Russell Crowe, a nasty general who has had it out for Hugh since Hugh was in prison. Cosette goes from dirt poor to high society, since she is the daughter of the mayor.
Then there’s this revolution put on by the youth of the lower class. They want to show that they’re not gonna take it anymore. So they organize a rally during the funeral of a king. One of the members of the rally is actually a rich kid who has brought shame to the family by fraternizing with the ne’er- do-wells. He was the only person in the whole cast who sounded like a professional singer. Too bad his hairstyle left him looking like one of the members of One Direction; that boy could sing! He should have just started a band called The Revolution and left it at that. Why not? It worked for Prince. Another member of the revolution was the stereotypical street urchin kid, complete with a cockney English accent (Oliver!). How that kid spoke that way in France I had no idea. In fact, everyone had different accents; it was really a melting pot in this small town. Kid Cockney’s appearance was distracting, too; he looked just like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen when they were little.
I digress. The day before the uprising, One Direction and Cosette see each other across a crowded courtyard and instantly fall in love, without speaking or anything. We are then introduced to Cosette’s singing voice, which sounds like Disney’s Snow White. I kept expecting woodland animals to surround her at any moment. Her trilling literally hurt my ears, but I was hypnotized by the actress’s giant round eyes. So I couldn’t look away.
Russell Crowe discovers that Hugh and Cosette are still in town, and vows to make Hugh pay. They escape again (Lord of the Rings). One Direction tries to find Cosette with the help of Borat’s daughter Ebony. Turns out that Ebony is in love with One Direction, but to him, she’s just a pal. Ouch. She sings the only other song I recognize from this play. That was a fun minute.
Russell Crowe pretends to be on the side of the revolution, but gets found out and almost hanged by those crazy kids. Guess who saves his life? Hugh Jackman. He can kill him, but instead he lets him go because he had found God and is a righteous man. Then the revolution happens. Pretty much everyone dies, except for One Direction. Guess who saves his life? Right again, Mr. Jackman, who takes him over his shoulder through the muckiest sewer you’ve ever seen. When he comes out, he’s drenched in filth (The Swamp Thing).
So One Direction and Cosette get married. Turns out it was a good thing that One Direction was rich. He went back to that life with Cosette. His grandfather forgave him. Hugh is on the run again. Russell Crowe is so tortured by his on-again, off-again relationship with Hugh that he commits suicide. Suddenly, Hugh has aged a hundred years and has red eyes and rotten teeth. He dies, too, after the ghost of Anne Hathaway appears to give him permission to let go. This is the end of the movie, the part where you’re supposed to cry and not stop. My throat got a lump in it, I’ll admit. Mostly, I was thinking of the transformation of Hugh Jackman, who started out looking like Jesus Christ and finished looking like Wolverine. I’m not kidding; the width of his neck got bigger and bigger with each scene.
Ms. Vaillancourt may be contacted at snobbyblog@gmail.com
