In an age saturated by scandals, what we apparently need is a superhero wielding a very large needle to pop the ballooning delusions of celebrity apologetics. Unfortunately, “Excuseman” (aka Chicago trial lawyer Jordan Margolis) is too busy indulging himself to stay focused on his mission to save the world from “insincere apologies for bad behavior from celebrities, politicians and general ne’er-do-wells.” And so, forget a satirical bite at Charlie Sheen’s spectacular spat with CBS and Chuck Lorre. Never mind puncturing John Edwards, although at this point any further skewering of the former presidential candidate amounts to stealing candy from babies. Pay no mind, either, to any number of meltdowns and disasters on the part of our celebrities and politicians, any one of which exposes hypocritical excesses in need of popping.

[img]1265|left|||no_popup[/img] What Margolis offers in his book, Excuseman Only Tortures English, is a potpourri in its most literal translated sense, a jumble of ideas ranging from the adventures of a superhero elevator to transcripts of texting exchanges between Margolis and his agent over the publication of a children’s book. Not to allow himself to be outdone by his own capacity for excess, Margolis also throws in a framing story about being retained to defend George W. Bush in an Iranian show trial, and over-the-tops it off with excerpts from an erotica story that, worse than simply being no good, isn’t nearly bad enough to be entertaining. Excuseman Only Tortures English, an often tedious exercise in page-turning that might be better called Excuseman Only Tortures Readers, reads like a sketchbook of random ideas thrown together for lack of anything better to do with them.

Failing to even stay focused on the superficial level of mocking celebrity misbehavior and apologies with about as much substance, Margolis doesn’t even come close to a satirical exposé of underlying issues in media and culture. The book misses the opportunity to stray beyond the easing pickings of the celebrities themselves to the people who fuel their fame. In this day and age, particularly with the wildfire spread of news through social networking sites like Twitter, there’s certainly room to explore how media consumers are entertained by celebrity antics, and how the tabloids and paparazzi both create and exploit this craving for entertainment. Excuseman sets out to mock insincere apologies, but never considers that the apologies’ lack of authenticity is vital to the spectacle. Bad behavior is all the more sensational when embellished by unhinged rationales, out-of-control PR spin, and frothing outrage by moralists. Proof? Consider Bill Clinton. Say what you will, but he certainly wasn’t a boring President. Now think of the George W. Bush presidency. Surely it would have been less grim and livelier with rumours of salacious threesomes on the Resolute Desk.

So if the book isn’t insightful in the tradition of the best satires, or substantive as cultural critique, at least the book is funny, right? Credit goes to Margolis for being fearless and clearly enjoying himself. Nevertheless, with the proviso that humour always exists in a gray limbo of subjectivity, Margolis’s rapid-fire style is like an action scene from an ‘80s movie: lots of bullets flying around, with everyone walking away unscathed. But you can judge for yourself by visiting Margolis’s website at www.excuseman.com.

Excuseman Only Tortures English, by Jordan Margolis. On sale at Author House (http://bookstore.authorhouse.com/Products/SKU-000425886/Excuseman-Only-Tortures-English.aspx).

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