This time the plunger did not free up the toilet.  In fact, both toilets and the shower were backing up last Sunday.  What to do?

I heard the jingle in my head: Mike Diamond — The smell-good plumber – only $99 to clear your drain.

The smell-good plumber arrived.  He said there was no way he could work on my main drain.  Why?

The drain was in my house.

So why didn’t you guys ask me if my main drain was in the house when I called?

The smell-good plumber recommended that other jingle: Roto-Rooter down the drain . . .

The Roto-Rooter man said he wouldn’t be able to fit his gear through my door.

No problem.

With a few bangs of a hammer, the door was off its hinges.

The man and the gear were inside.

An hour later, the huge rotating snake was removed from its long trek through our rusted galvanized drainpipe.

“Baby wipes,” he exclaimed.

What? I asked.

He said there were two things you don’t want to flush down the toilet: wipes (baby wipes, adult wipes, facial wipes and disinfecting wipes) and Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper.

BTW, a “flushable wipe” means only that it will flush down the toilet.

He showed me a live video of the inside of my drainpipe.

It was rusty, rough, jagged.

Jagged enough to catch the practically undisolvable baby wipes, and globs of Charmin soft toilet paper.

He recommended two procedures to prevent further blockages.

• First, for $2400 he could send a rapidly rotating chain down the drainpipe to knock off the rough edges of the pipe.
• Or for $300 he could send a rapid jet stream down the drain to knock off whatever is clinging to the rusty pipe.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I will take a chance with the pipe as is. And I never will never drop any wipes or Charmin tissue in the toilet.”

Since my daughter and her family live in a newer building, one that has ABS plastic drainpipes that do not rust, I decided they would be okay with the rolls of Charmin I had left.

I can’t think of a more uncomfortable situation than not being able to flush toilets.

I mean, food can be removed from a broken refrigerator and perishables can be loaded into a cooler with lots of ice.

Clothes can be washed at the laundromat if need be.

Stove not working?  Let’s eat out.

A\C broken?  Get out that big fan.

I am $275 poorer, but all is working right now.  Soon we’ll head over to Costco to purchase their Kirkland toilet paper, which is on the plumber’s “good list” of toilet papers.

As for baby wipes, I told my lovely wife I wanted to put a small sign next to the toilet:

No Baby or Other Wipes Here.

My wife objected.  I guess I will let her handle the next blockage.  Hey, it’s not that far to the Ralphs’ bathroom.

Mr. Ebsen may be contacted at robertzebsen@gmail.com