Let’s face it: government is dull. And School Board government is REALLY
dull.

We have two candidates who embrace this fact wholeheartedly, and one
who, thankfully, does not.

First, there’s candidate Kelly Kent, a neuroscientist. She has all these
smart ideas about using her knowledge of student brain functions to
formulate real-world educational policy and….Zzzzz… So boring. I
fell asleep halfway through that sentence.

Next, Scott McVarish. This guy is just bursting with innovative and
creative policy ideas that are so well-thought-out they might actually
work. But really… who wants that in a school board representative?

No, I want someone like the third candidate: Anne Burke. Someone who
thinks so far out of the box that even the box is confused.

Here are just a few of the policy proposals she made during recent
school board debates.

— Year round schooling. Who needs a summer? Let’s go to a 12-month
school year. The teachers will LOVE that — it must be why their union
endorsed her.

— Unisex bathrooms at the high school. Stuff a bunch of horny, messy
teenagers of both sexes in the same bathroom? What could go wrong?

— Replacing classrooms with “think spaces” that have couches instead of
desks. Sure! Why not? After a quick fling in the unisex bathroom,
students can take a nap on the classroom sofa.

— Free yoga classes for teachers. An EXCELLENT use of scarce
educational funding.

And then there’s this whole thing where she keeps calling herself “a
woman of color,” like she’s Rosa Parks sitting on the back of the bus,
instead of a half-Asian white woman driving a Lexus SUV. Is she right or
wrong to do that? Who cares! It’s interesting and gets everyone talking.

I support Anne because she’s like the Donald Trump of Culver City, just
saying a bunch of random stuff that may or may not make sense, but it’s
FUN! And FUNNY too. I’m hoping that once she’s elected, she’ll continue
spouting these Burke-isms for years to come. It might actually make
those School Board meetings interesting.

So who do I want to be in charge of our $60 million annual school
budget, and our $106 million capital improvement bond? I want the
candidate who’s going to give our teachers free yoga lessons! I want the
candidate who has, not the best ideas, but the best comic timing. I
don’t care about our schools — I just want to be entertained. I want
Anne Burke for School Board.

Mr. Derevlany may be contacted at
johnderevlany@yahoo.com